Sexual Healing
by AslanofTexas
Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!
1. Chapter 1

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part One

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My story isn't an easy one to tell. In fact, normally, I wouldn't be discussing it at all. But time, and people, change things.

I write this story as a woman of 17 years. I have seen war, I have seen peace. I have see men fight for honor, and for greed. I have seen the darkness of depression, and the light of love. I have seen enough to last me till the end of my days, and yet still I see more.

I suppose I sound very cryptic don't I? Here let me start at the beginning.

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It all started when I was but a small child. I was the only child of my family. Lot of people exclaimed at how lucky I was to be the only child, but they all forget the emptiness that goes with it. I had hardly any children to play with down my street and with both my parents being advancing in their careers I was left behind to fin for myself.

We did have one family dinner a week though. Every Friday night we would meet up with some other couples and eat at a nice restraint. At the time I desperately wanted to join in on the adult conversation. There was no one else to talk to or play with, so I read. I read everything I could place my chubby little hands on until I could converse freely with the adults. I would spend my summers practicing by discussing fruits and other gardening food with my grandmother's friends and the latest news from the newspaper I would steal from her.

I spent my early years at a private daycare where I learned to sing. Soon I was humming every little tune I could think of for extraordinary lengths of time. I developed stories in my head from my favorite movies to pass the time riding in a car while my parents discussed work. I would imagine I was Princess Jasmine, kidnapped by my evil parents who swore to take me to Jafer, and Aladdin was flying on his carpet to come save me. It never happened, so I suppose I should be thankful they never really delivered me to Jafer.

By the time I was transferred to elementary school I became one of the quietest girls in class. I didn't care too much about making friends, which was all well and good since I was the new girl in school. I focused on my studies and willed recess to end. I would always sit under a tree and watch the other kids play and laugh. I found myself feeling lonely and different. I later understood I felt poetic. I imagined myself a deep serious thinker like the adults around me, far beyond these playful years. Indeed when I was finally asked to a game I found I had trouble enjoying playing it.

I did have one friend who would sit and talk with me. We would trade stories or songs back and forth like candy. We favored the horror stories the best. That's all we would ever check out from the library so we had plenty to tell. Then suddenly she announced she was moving and a week later I never saw her again. My days grew bleaker and my smile a little less bright.

By third grade I had my first crush. Inuyasha. Inuyasha was probably one of the most popular boys in the entire school. He had long unruly silver hair and golden eyes. Not only cute, but funny too. He would take the most seemingly boring objects and bring them to life. He once took a cardboard box and made it a pony. Even I found him irresistible. I would continue to study hard, but I found myself noticing my body more and my desire for conversation. Sooner I had honed in on yet another girl to befriend. She was shy, but friendly and loved discussing books and nature as much as I did. Her name was Sango. She had long brown hair she always wore up and a smile that could light a room. Needless to say we soon became fast friends and spent every spare moment together.

By fifth grade I had grown bolder and tried to get his attention. I dressed in uniform, but I made it a point to be close to him, to laugh at his jokes, to challenge him to a game on game day. Then it was announced picture day was here.

I dressed in a long black skirt, tan short-sleeved top and my first ever pair of high heels, leopard skin of course. I felt tall, which was something I defiantly wasn't, and powerful. I walked with semi-grace I had practice so heartily for the night before and I looked very, very pretty. I soon found the popular girls sliding into seat beside me and discussing their own appearances before me. I was astounded. One pair of high heels had moved me into a group! While I discussing how lovely one of the girl's hair style was I noticed movement to my left. Before I could turn my head to see who it was a hand had found my butt and given it a good, hearty squeeze. I whipped my head around to yell an angry protest at the offender when I saw who it was. My dearly beloved Inuyasha! My heart stopped beating and my words died in my throat. I rolled my eyes and he ran back to his friends laughing and buried my blushing face in the crowd of girls around me. I was enthusiastic that Inuyasha chose me to grab, but I was wounded in the laughing I heard from his group. I was a big joke. Determined to make the best of it I focused on the fact that Inuyasha had been the one to do it and secured myself in the annoyance my fellow females shared at the boys.

About a week after this Manten arrived. Manten was shy and had a rather interesting appearance. His head was shaped more round than a normal person, but the really weird part was he was bald. He never discussed it, so we never asked. I felt bad for Manten. I remember being new so I invited him to hang out and have lunch with Sango and I for a while. Manten readily took the invitation then refused to leave. He followed Sango and I around like an addict to crack. Every moment he was trying to be our partner for a game or make lude comments about females. Every lunch he would pretend his sandwich was a female had had married and proceeded to "kiss" her ravishingly. Sango and I regretted our friendliness. We began to avoid him at all cost, but fate decided to be cruel. I was elected to be his partner in a six week long ecosystem project.

He was a horrible partner. Our poor plants struggled to survive and he certainly didn't make it easy. Putting in too much water, or not enough, knocking it over, etc. How we ever passed that project with high enough score is a miracle. But the worst was when he had a magnifying glass. It was a family day, where we were allowed to dress yet again out of uniform. I had worn my favorite pink lace dress and felt rather good about myself. As the day had gone on I had begun to lose confidence in my look when Inuyasha took no notice of me and I spilt a small thing of ketchup on its corner. As we awaited our ecosystem's final grade Manten was playing around with a magnifying glass. I believe it relevant to interrupt and explain that despite our hardest attempts to avoid Manten the class still had managed to spread a rumor that Manten and I were together. Anyways, Manten held this offending magnifying to my rather large stomach and cried out. "She's pregnant!" I stared at the shocked faced of my friends and snatched the magnifying glass from his hand. "I am not!" I cried in my defense, before throwing the glass onto the desk.

"Kagome. Please step outside." Said the teacher staring at us. I stood and quickly rushed outside struggling to stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I knew what pregnancy meant. I didn't understand how exactly it happened but I knew where babies came from. I felt my despair amplify at the fact Inuyasha had heard the outburst from us.

"Now please, tell me what's going on." Said my teachers standing before me in the hall. I told her what Manten had said and how he was always discussing such things around me. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't stand to see the pity there.

"If you have a problem with a fellow student you should have told me, but don't worry I'll take care of it. Now go back inside, you don't have to sit by Manten anymore.

So I entered the class, and quickly shuffled my things beside my friend Sango. The outburst was soon forgotten and Fifth grade ended not long after. As middle school loomed before us me friend told me we would be split apart, as she was going to a different school than I was and I mourned the loss of yet another friend. I heard a few years later Manten had followed Sango there, but quickly moved and was never heard of again.

If only all my troubles had been so easy to rid of.

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Chapter One complete. Review please? It would mean so much to me. And yes I know, I should be working on my other stories, I'm working on it.

Aslan


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Two

* * *

Notes: To answer some questions, this story takes place in America because I don't know enough about Japan to feel confident to write about it, and because I said this was a true story. In case you haven't guess this is Kagome's story, and she does have a mom AND dad. Hope this helps. Let me know if you have more questions.

Warning: If Naraku/Kagome smut bothers you please ignore the area between the ((((((()))))) shapes. Even I'm not found of this pairing, but I couldn't think of a better character. I must say if you don't read it, it might make things a bit more difficult to understand later, but not impossible. Yes, I know this chapter focuses on Naraku /Kagome, but it won't stay that way I swear! Sesshoumaru will be there, eventually!

* * *

I suddenly found myself facing my first real fear. Well, other than heights and alligators. No, now I faced something much worst. Junior High Kids. I entered the ancient school ground amazed at the size and the amount of people that could cram into one small area.

I shuffled my way to my class room, biting my lip to keep from crying out when some stepped on my foot or shoved me against the wall. With a trodded on heart I made it to my first class.

I quickly learned the rules of middle school. Don't talk to those higher than you, let the person with the bottom locker go first, and never try to shut a class up. I soon discover how hateful and spiteful kids can be.

Before I was left mostly to myself. I could think and dream about the world around me. Now I spent all my time and energy into trying to hide myself and slip by in the background. I made aquantences here and there, but again I managed to latch onto two very strong friendships.

The first friendship I made was with a girl named Ayame. She was hot tempered, but determined and I found myself feeding off her strength. Her fiery red hair was always styled in her signature pigtails and she didn't give a crap if anyone thought to say something bad about them. I had known Ayame off and on through Elementary, but the suddenly loss of our friends in the transition to middle school made our own bond strengthen.

The second friendship I made was with a boy named Sesshoumaru. He was rather…odd. He reminded me of Inuyasha in several ways, but there was something different about him. He too had long silver hair and golden eyes, but his were more intense, more serious. He was quiet and reserved filling his time by reading books almost as big as the textbooks I dragged all over the school. We met in the school library. He was reading books about war and I was trying to figure out if I was a romantic or a detective. Our conversations were usually light and school related, which was fine with both of us. He began to wait with me, while I waited for my father to come pick me, and listen to me and Ayame chat about this or that. Occasionally he would comment about a subject or a teacher we disliked, but overall he just listened. When my dad arrived I'd wave at him and he'd turn and head home.

These small friendships helped hold me together as I faced the dreaded students and the intense classes. I did my usual routine of focusing on my school work, but my favorite subject was reading. I read all the time, so it was perfect for me.

When I entered my seventh grade reading class I discovered that Inuyasha was in my class! Oh how my heart suddenly leapt to my throat! I would discretely stare at him the whole class period. I can honestly say I never left that class without a smile.

Then one day it all changed.

I suppose I should explain by now I was 10 years old. I knew nothing about sex, or love. I hardly knew that the difference between boys and girls weren't only in the chest sizes.

The couple we used to hand out with every Friday had had kids and I was in charge of watching them. One of them was my cousin. His age fails me, but I do know he was younger than me, but not by too much. Naraku, suffered from ADD (Attention Deficate Disorder) and was quite literally hell on wheels. His mind jumped fast than any rabbit I ever saw and he was always complaining. For years I struggled to entertain and please him so that he would simply shut up. I resent him. I resent his parents expecting me to watch him without ever asking if that was what I want to do. I resented not being able to please him. But I sucked it up and kept trying, determined to one day satisfy his hunger for entertainment.

One night about 8 in the evening they stopped by. I inwardly groaned as he pulled my towards my room to play. I had had a horrible day at school and the last thing I wanted to do was deal with him. I was struggling in my algebra class, being picked on by the popular choir girls, and had fallen on my ass and totally embarrassed myself in front of the girls in my physical education class. Now after I had finished 3 hours worth of homework and could finally rest, _they_ show up. Naraku wasted no time in rushing to my toy box and pulling out ever toy and stuffed animal I owned. After an hour of monopoly, dog show, dress up, ball, and drawing I was worn out. I left him to pull out the only toy he hadn't played with, Barbie's. I assume everyone knows what happens with Barbie's.

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Anyways, I left him to pull them out while I laid down on the bed watching him. My head was beginning to ache and I long to just fall asleep. I closed my eyes and prayed it would leave me in peace. Suddenly I felt the bed shift as Naraku got on it and my hand was suddenly wet. My eyes few open to see Naraku kissing my hand and slowly working his way up my arm.

"What are you doing?" I asked, stunned at this sudden intrusion.

"Kissing you." He replied as though it made all the sense in the world.

"Oh." I said. I suppose I should take a moment and explain where my head was at. It was gone. All I could think of was it was about damn time I got some thank you, some affection from all the work I put into this job and here he was offering a kiss. So I let him.

He kissed his way up my arm, across my forehead, on my cheek, on my eyelids. All harmless, all good. Then he kissed my lips.

There was no sudden spark, no mind blowing wow. But there was heat. It crept slowly toward the lower part in my stomach. Naraku kicked off his shoes and shifted so that his legs straddled each side of me. He kissed me again, harder forcing his tongue inside my surprised mouth. I yanked my head away wiping the feeling of another person's saliva out of my mouth.

"Don't do that again." I said.

"Why?" He asked grinning from ear to ear. I was tempted to roll over and dump him onto the floor.

"Because it's gross." I said angerly.

"Alright." I stared at him for have a second before letting the tension that had suddenly sprung up fade. Naraku gently kissed all over my face and down my neck. He began to lick and suck my neck making the heat return full force and my need for more contact grow. I turned my head and he kissed his way down unbuttoning my nightshirt as he went. His month shifted suddenly and enveloped my right breast. I should probably mention I was an early bloomer in that department.

I moaned lightly never before having someone touch those special parts. He sucked it for only a moment longer before moving his head to cover my other breast. My fist clenched the blanket under me as I tried to ride these new feelings I had.

He worked his way down my body and I didn't stop him when he reached the edge of my pants. With one fluid hand movement they were off me and I suddenly felt very exposed. I tried to sit up and cover myself, but he refused to move and merely slid his hand under my underwear. I let out a startled moan and I found his mouth suddenly over mine again. I was wet and he knew it. Gently he slid his fingers inside me and I gasped struggling to control the moan that longed to escape. Gently he took my hand and slide it down his own short and wrapped it around his own throbbing member.

"Squeeze it." He whispered, letting out a hiss when I did.

Gently he rocked his fingers inside me all the while hissing harder, harder in my ear. The knot in my stomach grew tighter and tighter and I longed to release it. Then suddenly I did. A flashing bright light crossed my vision and my whole body trembled with release. His own moan shook against my hand and he was forced to stifle his own moan.

"I love you. I love you." He whispered in my ear. I knew even then he was lying. We both knew. I didn't say anything though. I preferred to here the lie than think the truth.

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When we had both stopped trembling, we each removed our hands. He rolled off me and I stood up, returning my clothes to their proper place.

I didn't understand what had just happened, but I knew it felt good. Naraku went to use the bathroom while I cleaned up the toys he had strewn about the room. Not long after his mother yelled that it was time to go home and he left. Our terrible secret hidden on the edge of our thoughts.

It didn't just end with that one time. In fact it happened about five more then I began to investigate. I wanted to understand what had happened, and what I was feeling. I wished I hadn't.

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Chapter Two complete. Wow so many reviews! Thanks guys this story is mega important to me so you're review really mean a lot! And yes I know, I should be working on my other stories, I'm working on it…..slowly.

Aslan


	3. Chapter 3

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Three

* * *

Notes: It'll get worse before it gets better. But it will get better.

Warning some more skipping. Naraku/Kagome. Sesshoumaru will return I swear!

* * *

Naraku began to visit more often and demand more and more of my body. At first I allowed it, secretly liking the attention and caresses. If you wondering if we went all the way the answer is yes. Once.

I'll spare you the details of my many encounters with Naraku, but the change in our sexual encounter first changed when he tried to French kiss me again. We had finished and he was just wasting time till he had to go home.

I struggled for a good couple of minutes and finally he released me. I once again found myself wiping my mouth.

"I told you not to do that." Naraku just grinned at me.

"Other girls like it." He replied fixing his clothes. I stared at him stunned. What had he just said?

"Other girls?" Naraku nodded from his position straddling my body.

"Yeh, some girls down my street." Oddly enough I didn't feel angry about what he was saying. Well not yet anyways. Instead I was stunned. Stunned that I wasn't the only one.

"Get off me." I hissed squirming under him to push him off. He rolled off me and stood up. I fixed my own feeling like I had been betrayed. Like I had done something wrong. I stormed out of my room into the living room where our parents were chatting.

"Night Mom." I said very sternly pointing out that it was late and I had school the next day. Naraku's mom took the hint and quickly left. I went to bed and stared at the wall into the wee hours in the morning trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Why did I feel so dirty?

I awoke with a rough started and spent an extra 15 minutes in the shower. I felt I could have stayed longer, but my mom was telling me to hurry up. For the first time I didn't hear a word that was said in school. Instead I found myself wondering through the many books in the library searching for a couple I'd heard of. It's no secret that there are scandalous books in our library. I decided to read some and see what exactly it is we had done. I found it and realized rather quickly that what we had done was wrong.

I realized what I had done was had sex with my cousin. My heart fell and my emotions shut down. I returned the book and sat leaning against the cold tile way in an empty school. I hugged my knees to my chest and stared letting my new found discovery sink in. Slowly I realized I was angry. Angry at him, angry at myself, and angry at what we had done.

Eventually I managed to drag myself to my feet and wander outside where my friends were waiting to talk to me. I didn't hear a word that was said, but they let it slide thinking I'd had a bad day at school. I don't remember coming home, eating dinner, or anything. I just remember walking in my room, dropping my books bag, and laying down on my bed crying in a traditional fetal position. My parents never noticed.

My days grew into weeks, my heart grew numb. I pushed it to the back of my mind and struggled to regain the iron grip I held on my schoolwork to stay distracted. Even the site of Inuyasha did not brighten my day.

Naraku stopped by once more about 2 weeks later. I felt my blood turn to ice. He tugged on my hand. "Come on Kagome, let's go play." I jerked my hand from him. "I don't want to play today." My mother gave me a disapproving look. "Go on Kagome." I stared at her. She was making me go with him! I slowly stood and let Naraku drag me by the hand knowing what game her had on his mind.

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He wasted no time, like a cat who had finally caught his mouse he laid me down upon my bed.

"I don't want to play this game anymore." I said as he crawled beside me. "Aw come on Kagome!" He whined kissing my favorite spot on my neck. I sighed and turned my head away. I couldn't win. If I didn't submit he would just fuss about my toys and cause problems. It was easier this way. Besides no one cared.

He jerked my clothes off and caressed my body. I laid limply on the bed staring at the ceiling pretending I was somewhere far away watching a movie. He kissed me, caressed me, and ravished my body thoroughly. I tried hard to pretend I was still gone, but he refused to let me be. He rolled me onto my stomach and entered me from behind.

I was stunned at the sudden pain. I was not turned on; I was not even in a pleasurable mood. I gripped the sheet below me and tried not to cry. I would not cry in front of him. He took what he wanted from me and rolled me back onto my back. I laid there limply drifting back into my faraway place. He kissed my breast tenderly and worked his way down. All the way down. This time I did cry. I let out one lone tear that I quickly wiped away and pushed away from him. I staggered to my feet and wrapped a blanket around myself.

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"What's wrong Kagome? Don't you like it?" That was the problem I did. I liked sex. I bit my lip and slipped into my clothes rushing from the room and quickly planting myself at my mom side. I pretended to be intrigued by their conversation and ignored any attempt by Naraku to signal me he wished to return to my room.

Finally they left and I went to take a shower. Where I cried the whole time there. I never wanted to see Naraku again.

One day, about 2 weeks later, Inuyasha was in the back of the room in reading class during our free time. We used to keep a section of books and pillows back there by my desk for people to go sit and read. One day Inuyasha was back there with a buddy of his and they decided to be cruel. Across the aisle there was a girl named Kikyou. Pretty, athletic, and one of the most popular girls in school. I knew her on a name bases only.

Inuyasha whispered to her. "Hey Kikyou." She turned to look at him. Inuyasha grabbed his crotch and moaned. "Oh Kikyou, yeh like that." With an angry blush she flipped her face to the front of the room scribbling furiously in her notepad. Inuyasha and his friend just laughed at her embarrassment. If my heart could fall any farther it did. My love Inuyasha was a bastard.

I waited till the class had left; fiddling with my backpack I went to talk to the teacher. I told her what he was doing to Kikyou. She said she'd handle it. The next time I went to class Inuyasha glared daggers at me, but I stuck out my chin and scoffed at him. He deserved it for treating her that way, and I didn't even like the girl.

That afternoon Kikyou slipped me a note at my locker. I opened it and read it silently. It said thank you for telling. She said she wished she had my courage to tell when things like that happen to her. Stunned I ripped out a sheet of paper and wrote a reply. I told her she was better that that and she knew it. I told her to get a backbone and stand up against crap like that. I casually walked past her locker and slipped it into her hand, never looking back. We never spoke of the interaction, but subtly the popular girls started to leave me alone and the torture during choir practice eased.

With this small victory I found myself returning to my normal easy routine. About two days later I decided to sit down with my parents and watch television with them. It was a murder mystery and a prostitute had been killed. My dad decided it was time I learned with a prostitute was. My heart froze. I suddenly felt that dirty feeling all over again.

"Dad I have something to tell you." He muted the TV and my mom and dad both stared at me. I found myself afraid to look at them and turned my head away.

"Naraku and I have done something bad. He's touched me down there." I said my head lifting to stare directly at the wall. I couldn't look at them afraid of what I would see. Instead I stared at the wall, but never saw it. No, in my mind I was reliving every second of ever encounter we had ever had. Like a bad movie it played all the way, I unable to look anywhere but at it. I told them everything. Well almost. I couldn't bring myself to say that he had actually entered me. I held to much shame, too much guilt to admit all of what he had done.

When I finished my tale I returned to reality where I noticed I was crying. I don't even remember when I had started. The silence around me was deafening. I looked at my mom she was dead silent, like she just couldn't accept what she heard. I looked with a sinking heart at my dad. Slowly he held out his arms to me and told me to come here. He picked me up into his arms and rocked me saying he was supposed to see Naraku's father tomorrow and he would discuss this with him. I felt my face flame with embarrassment, but I nodded anyways. I worked out of my father's arms and fled to my room where I went to bed crying.

For the first time I felt like my parents didn't love me. I felt like they were only being nice to me because I was their daughter. I felt that if they had loved me they would have leapt to their feet demanding that I never see him again. But instead they said they'd talk about it.

With a heavy heart I fell asleep swearing to do nothing else to ever disappoint them again; least they finally decide to disown me for good.

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Chapter Three complete. Yay! I'm so glad you guys don't hate me for doing some Naraku/Kagome. Like I said he's perfect for the role.

Aslan


	4. Chapter 4

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Anime/Manga » Inuyasha » **Sexual Healing**

B s : A A A

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Author: AslanofTexas

Fiction Rated: M - English - General/Drama - Reviews: 34 - Published: 06-06-07 - Updated: 08-08-07

id:3577918

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Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Four

Notes: For the record Kagome is now 11 and in 7th grade.

I was once a shadow of who I was. I lost the glow in my face, I forgot how to smile. I forgot everything. After the last visit from Naraku I shut down. I blocked out everybody and everything. The only thing I allowed into my little world was music. It soothed me, it tortured me, and it moved me. I had forgotten how to feel anything and it moved what was left of my passion.

Ayame had her first boyfriend and was rather distracted. I had made another friend, Rin was her name. She struggled to read well and I was patient enough to help her practice. Slowly she slid into our small group. Sesshoumaru stayed with me. He patiently discussed the weather, homework, whatever whether I cared or not. Half the time I listened just to hear someone talking, talking to me.

He never asked what was wrong, he merely talked. Eventually I found myself swimming to the present just to hear him talking before sinking again after he left. Eventually I got permission to walk home from school and I was surprisingly accompanied by Sesshoumaru. I began to wonder if his attentions lay a little deeper than just friendship to go through all this trouble. How was I to take this? What would he think of me if he found out about Naraku? It was best if I didn't let this get to deep.

After I turned 12 and I decided to start a club. I created a club to support and protect the endangered wolves. We called it the Soul of the Wolf Club. Ayame, Rin, Sesshoumaru and I were the only members. The club never got very far thanks to the restricts to how much a bunch or 12-14 year olds could do, but we hung out and had fun.

One night I had to go to a viewing for one of my art classes so we just moved the meeting to there. It was really crowded and hot and the meeting was over in less than 30 minutes. I had to stay with my parents, but Sesshoumaru choose to stay too. I was being crushed by the surrounding people so I worked my way to the little lighted court yard. Sesshoumaru followed me. He was quiet, and I suddenly realized how very different we were. I say on the bench they had and he joined me. We sat in awkward silence, staring up at the sky as though the stars would magically appeared. Eventually I relaxed and just enjoyed the moment. He turned to say something to me.

What it was I'll never know because suddenly two kids popped up playing a very exciting game of tag. I jumped at the chance to do something other than think on what Sesshoumaru planned to say. The kids welcomed up with open arms and even Sesshoumaru appeared to enjoy the game. I had just been tagged for the 5th time when my parents waved at us to leave.

We offered a ride to Sesshoumaru who graciously accepted it. Halfway there my dad decided to invite him to dinner. He asked his parents who agreed and suddenly I found myself sitting at a table by myself with Sesshoumaru while my parents sat across the room chatting lightly with another couple I knew. How did I end up in these situations? We decided to split a burger. I don't think I ever ate a burger that neat ever before. I was so nervous I hardly remember what we talked about. I think it was something on the television in the background, but I wouldn't swear to anything. Eventually we left and dropped him off. I don't think I ever remember him smiling before. I almost forgot how awkward and uncomfortable I had been for that smile. I was in dangerous territory.

About a month later a new realization hit me. I don't know why I never thought of it before, but I missed my period. Oh god. What if I really was pregnant? I felt my stomach give an involuntary lurch and only the fact that I hadn't eaten anything that day kept me from throwing up. I was too young to have a baby. Wasn't I? But I missed my period. Oh god.

Sesshoumaru had been offering to carry my stuff home when I snapped. "Sesshoumaru, do you like me?" He physically and mentally stumbled at my abrupt question.

"What?"

"Do you like me? Like as just a friend or as more?"

Sesshoumaru shrugged, "Just as a friend."

I sighed with relief, "Good, because I don't really want a boyfriend right now."

Sesshoumaru shifted. "I've got to go. I forgot I have to do something."

"Oh okay. Bye." Sesshoumaru had already turned and headed for his house. I had messed up again. I turned and walked home alone. Sesshoumaru never offered to walk me home again. In fact he never called again either. He still talked to me in between classes and he still hung out after school with me, but things had changed. I missed it, but I had asked for this. Shortly after we gave up on the whole club idea.

I waited anxiously for the next month to see if I was missing another period or not. I met a boy named Hiten when I entered eighth grade. Hiten was decent looking, but people tended to avoid him. He was one of the few people in a wheelchair I knew. I felt bad for him. My pity came back and bit me on the ass. It wasn't long after I met Hiten he began to ask me uncomfortable question.

"When you were little how were you punished?"

"I was spanked if I was real bad, other than that usually just had something taken away."

"If you had been real bad would you have let me spanked you?" Yeh those types of questions. I quickly learned to avoid Hiten. He asked me to the 8th grade dance, but I managed to get out of it claiming to be busy gathering information for the newspaper for the school.

There was one other thing that happened before my 8th grade dance. September 11th.

I was sitting in study hall chatting with my friend over the horrible homework we had the night before when a teacher from down the hall came running into the room. "Turn on the TV!" She panted out to our teacher, trying to catch her breath. Quickly our teacher flipped the TV on and immediately our eyes glued to the screen. It was about 9 am and the first of the twin towers was on fire. We hadn't been watching but only a few minutes when we watched the second plane crash into the buildings. Our jaws dropped. What was happening?

The teachers shuffled us off to our next class, and they too were watching the horror unfolding on the screen. We watched people jump from the windows, we watched the towers fall and crush the people below, and we understood nothing. Classes got nothing done that week. I worked as an office aid in the attendance office and the file for the number of students pulled from class that day was beyond being just full. Within the year we found ourselves entered in a war.

Wars were something we'd only heard about from our parents and grandparents time. What did we know about war? Would there be a draft? I found a way to keep busy. By 8th grade I worked on the school publications staff. We were in charge of the newspaper, the school news show and yearbook. I was in charge of writing reviews for books and movies, and covering the war. I followed the capture of female soliders, their release, the staggering number of deaths, the number of victories. I covered it all. By the end of that year I was so sick of hearing about the god damn war that I began to resent it, resent the pain it was bringing to everyone and the anxiety it caused in my fellow students.

I distracted myself with other jobs. I was the Pub's staff's official photographer so I was roped by my friend into going to the 8th grade dance. I was never asked to go with anyone, I mean Sesshoumaru sort of asked me in a roundabout way. He never officially asked to go with me, just if I was going. Unfortunately, I was. I wore an ankle length black velvet dress, with a matching jacket and heels. I wore makeup for the first time, with my hair in delicate curls.

The dance was awesome at the time. The sights, the sounds, the dancing. Only couples danced really, the other looked on from the side. Sesshoumaru was there in a classy Gray jacket and matching pants. He smiled and chatted about the dance with me. I wondered if he danced, but he didn't offer and I didn't ask. Eventually I did dance though. My dad worked the punch bowl and I managed to drag him out on the floor. I never heard any bad rap from my dance with my dad and I didn't care. It meant the world to me for him to do that. Sesshoumaru watched me from the sidelines all night.

Chapter four complete. And life goes on. Reviews love!

Aslan

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	5. Chapter 5

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Five

Notes: Suicidal notions and the finally the start of some good news.

A week went by, then another. No period. I hardly touched my food to distract to even taste it. Why had my period not come?

Soon my guilt from Naraku and my fear swept into my everyday life. I could no longer control sudden burst of anger I had. If a girl picked on me because I wasn't pretty enough or popular enough I would snap and fall just short of physically fighting with them. My grades struggled, but I managed to get tutoring and pass the classes. I didn't really care. In fact I didn't care about much of anything.

One day Naraku stopped by with his family. I froze. My mind snapped and all I could think of to do it to run to my room, locking myself away. Maybe three minutes later Naraku was knocking on my door.

"Who is it?"

"Naraku."

"Go away. I'm busy with homework." Naraku shuffled to another door. I had another door that connected to the bathroom which opened into the hall. Naraku knocked on that one.

"Go away!" I shouted through the door. I sat huddled against my bed as far away from the door as I could get, shaking. Naraku finally left me alone and I struggled to regain my composer. Eventually they left, but I never left my room the rest of the night.

It was about two days later I began to entertain the idea of suicide. I never really thought about it as killing myself. I just thought I could finally get away from this.

I thought about cutting myself, but then thought that would probably hurt so I quickly moved on. I thought about a gun, but my parents had hidden their gun and bullets in different spots and I knew by the time I picked it up I would have talked myself out of it. I never thought about pills, I had to hard of a time taking pills just regularly much less a whole bunch at one time. I finally though about drowning myself. Every time I would take a shower the idea grew in my head.

Then I snapped. I was home alone over the summer so I filled up the tub. I got in and laid faced down in the tub. Slowly I released my breathe and focused on just relaxing and letting go. Eventually my body protested and pushed me to the surface. I tried again, and again. I tried tying my hands behind my back, but I couldn't form a tight enough knot and when my body would protest I pulled free. I cried frustrated with my attempts. I gave up, but it didn't keep me from trying again later. Eventually it became my punishment. Like a cutter that keeps cutting, but never makes the killing blow I found a release in drowning myself.

I knew something was wrong with me. I would lay in bed and ask God why? I then understood he let this happen so I would learn while I could before I was thrown to the wolves, before I turned out like Ayame.

Ayame's relationship ended rocky with her no longer a virgin and her self-esteem crushed. She went on to dating many more guys who only wanted one thing from her. I sought silence in my aunt. Kaede was a kind woman who was on her fourth husband. She spent many, many nights teaching about the ways of the world and my most interested subject, sex. She knew nothing about Naraku, and I didn't feel like informing her. What my parents withheld from me, she told me, straight up and I respected her more for it. She could have no children and that was fine by her because she suffered from lupus, a disease that makes your immunity system almost no existent. A sniffle to us is a full blown sinus infection to her. But I spent many nights over at her house learning to cope with what happen to me. She too had been sexually abused, but by her father. He later developed alhimerze, a disease in the head to make you forget stuff, and eventually shot his self in their backyard. She finally told her mom at 32. Her mom denied it, and she was forced to live with it on her own until her mom could accept it.

Finally something changed. Right before my 13th birthday I faced a new challenge. My parents had left for the grocery store one Sunday morning and I stayed home to sleep in. After I locked up behind them I laid back down in my bed. Immediately I felt a stabbing pain attack my abdomen and shoot all the way up my side. I cried out in pain clutching my side. What was that?!

I staggered out of bed to my feet and bit my tongue to keep from crying. The pain stabbed over and over again. I made it to my desk and shuffled through the papers for my parent's cell phone number. I couldn't find it. Panicking I picked up and called my grandma, who was four blocks away, and asked for her to come help me. I crawled to the living room, unable to stand any longer and unlocked the door for her. Quickly she helped me back to the bed and contacted my parents for me. The rushed me to the emergency room.

I had never been on the receiving end of a hospital visit. At that point I could hardly care. If you can imagine a knife being plunged over and over in the exact same spot on you abdomen then you can begin to imagine what I felt. The nurse struggled and complained and after six tried managed to get an IV in me. They forced 4 glasses of this awful liquid called Burium down my throat. It was some type of dye to help when they did a CAT scan on me. It took me and hour, but I managed to finally get the disgusting, pee tasting, liquid down. The rushed me off to the CAT scan.

About an hour later I was returned to the room and the pain was finally subsiding. I was shaky and pale. Finally the doctors returned and told me I had PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Sometimes on a girls ovaries she develops these fluid filled sacks. When they burst the fluid releases and therefore cause the pain. I had them on both ovaries. If too many ruptured they could damage my ovaries and eventually force me to have them removed so I too could never have kids. Luckily for me it wasn't to late. I needed to lose some wait and get on the birth control pill to regulate my period out and that should help. So I did. I lost nine pounds after joining a local gym and I got on the pill. My periods regulated out so I knew I wasn't pregnant and my attacks lightened up.

After about three years I found myself waking up. I had managed to shake off my suicidal notions and my numbness. I could feel again what I had lost. My brain and my heart had finally repaired enough to beat again. I felt like someone who had been asleep for a very, very long time. I slowly realzed I was now a freshmen in high school.

I don't remember much about my freshman year. I remember seeing Sango again and reaffirming our relationship as best friends. Ayame got her first real steady boyfriend, and Sesshoumaru followed us like a shadow throughout the school. I felt guilty about how I had treated him. But what do I say now?

It wasn't until my sophomore year did I meet my first "boyfriend," Kouga.

Chapter five complete. And on and on and on. Reviews get you love!

Aslan


	6. Chapter 6

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Six

Notes: Love won and lost…

After about three years I found myself waking up. I had managed to shake off my suicidal notions and my numbness. I could feel again what I had lost. My brain and my heart had finally repaired enough to beat again. I felt like someone who had been asleep for a very, very long time. I slowly realzed I was now a freshmen in high school.

I don't remember much about my freshman year. I remember seeing Sango again and reaffirming our relationship as best friends. Ayame got her first real steady boyfriend, and Sesshoumaru followed us like a shadow throughout the school. I felt guilty about how I had treated him. But what do I say now?

It wasn't until my sophomore year did I meet my first "boyfriend," Kouga.

First off Kouga was an online boyfriend. Why online you ask? Why not get a real boyfriend? Why? I wasn't emotionally ready for a real boyfriend. Actually I didn't even start out wanting Kouga, it just sort of happened. Ayame introduced us.

We started out as just friends, but somewhere along the way Kouga decide to make it his mission to woo me. Maybe I was lonely, maybe I was flatter he wanted me, whatever the reason I gave in and he became my first boyfriend.

He was someone I could come to with my problems, someone I could count on to be there for me. That was really all I was looking for. At least for a while.

When I was with Kouga I had really vivid dreams. I once dreamed I was pregnant and it took me two weeks to convince myself I wasn't, even though I wasn't having sex.

The second dream I ever had was just as scary. I dreamed I was walking to Ayame's house and all of a sudden a black van pulled up next to me. Arms reached out and grabbed me, pulling me inside as I struggled to escape, screaming for help. I remember flashes of what happened in the van. Being shoved in the back, the sound of my shirt tearing, hot breath on my skin. All you need to know was I was raped multiple times by both the driver and the passenger. Then suddenly it was over. I was dumped on the ground where I was picked up. I staggered to my feet and ran to Ayame's house crying for my Aunt Kaede. When I awoke, I was drenched in a cold sweat, shaking and crying silently in the night. It took me a month before I could bring myself to walk to Ayame's ever again.

In this time me and my dad constantly argued. My mother stayed busy with work letting us scrap it out. I relied more and more on Kouga and in the end it pushed us apart.

Kouga and I dated for almost a year before things changed. He just began to disappear from my life. He no longer talked to me like he used to and was just overall distracted. I talked about it with him, but it never got better. I finally resigned myself to the fact he had probably gotten someone better, he was a player after all, and I left. Taking my battles back onto my own two shoulders. I never forgot Kouga, but I knew I had no heart left to offer for him. It was taken up with trying to protect my self from the harshness that was my father.

Chapter six complete. Amazing I know.

Aslan


	7. Chapter 7

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Seven

Notes: Ummm….lonelyness…. Pss she's a junior now. (11th grade)

My dad began to act strange. His temper grew and his compassion shrunk. The littlest thing set him off. Rags on the counter in the bathroom, a load of laundry not run yet. I soon found myself scampering around the house to have things done like a beaten dog. I dare didn't try his anger.

When I was 16 he began to go blind in one eye. A month later he stepped on a piece of metal and cut open his heal. It never completely healed. He had laser done to his eye and he regained most of his vision. His heal remained wrapped in gaze and eventually grew numb around the hole.

Eventually I finally convinced my mom and dad it was time to buy some new bedroom furniture and sheets. We went out to the store and I found the perfect sheets for my new bed. Excited I went to show my dad, seeing what he thought of them. He brushed me off not even bothering to look at them. Hurt I tried to ask his assistance with a comforter and again he brushed me off. My mom confronted him about his attitude, but he brushed her off too.

Pissed I gave up my attempt to do anything with them and we joined my grandma at the car. My grandma asked if we had found anything and I couldn't take it. I was so mad.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I yelled as my dad tried to lamely excuse why they had returned with nothing. My dad turned in his seat and pointed at me.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" He shouted then shoved open the door of the car. He stomped around to the side door and jerked it open. My mom sat between us and refused to let him pass.

"Sit down!" She ordered holding her position firmly. He finally stomped back to the driver's door and took us home. We didn't talk for a week.

I relished in going to school, in being away from them. I soon met a new friend Miroku. He flirted like crazy with everybody, but his humorous attitudes brought smiles to our faces and lighten almost any situation. Rin went to a different high school, but we kept in touch. Ayame finally made a real boyfriend, named Hojo. Hojo was tall and sweet. A little on the dumber side of things, but Ayame liked him so we said nothing.

I began to try and reestablish my relationship with Sesshoumaru. He openly talked with me and we fell back into our old relationship. I soon found myself questioning if I really wanted to deepen our friendship or let it ride out as it was. It's been 3 years; he's probably found someone by now. I decided to wait it out and focus on finding somebody else, our friendship was too important to risk.

The end of my sophomore year approached and Ayame and I faced our greatest challenge yet. Hojo and her had been caught video tapping him lifting her skirt with a school camera. This broke their relationship and Ayame was left to face her parent's questions alone. I tried to support her, but even I agreed she need help. The years of sleeping around had left her in denial about her own problems. But Ayame refused help and I wasn't going to through away our friendship because of it. Ayame met a new guy; a junior named Onigumo. I didn't like him. He was rude and selfish, but hey what did I know? I expressed my dislike to Ayame then dropped it. It was her life. But there was something's even I couldn't let slide.

My parents had been talking with Ayame's and they told me they were worried about me hanging out with her, saying she'd be the type to skip school and put herself in dangerous situations. I argued with them defending my friend. I truly though she cared more about her education than a roll in the hay. She let me down. About two weeks later Ayame told me she was thinking of skipping school to sleep with Onigumo, she wanted me to say she was with me the whole time, in case she wasn't back on time. I refused. Our friendship broke. Nine years down the drain over a boy. I walked home alone that day. I told my parents what happened.

"Did I do right?" I asked them, crying in my mother's arms.

"Did I do right?" My mom held me and rocked me.

"Yeh baby, you did right." I never got over losing Ayame. I still miss her, but I was afraid to go back. Afraid to rekindle our friendship. Afraid it will be like before. I regrouped and carried on, but I had to learn to do it with one less best friend in my life.

Chapter Seven complete. Another one bites the dust. No reviews for me?

Aslan


	8. Chapter 8

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Eight

Notes: Trying to get a date for prom and some sad stories of friends….

My life fell into a sort of half hearted attempt. I had been taught nobody wants anybody, but for a sex toy. Love can fuck up even the longest of relationships. And finally that the world is a really empty place. I began to find myself stuck into a melancholy view of life. My sarcasm for the world made me appear funny to the upperclassmen. Soon I was spending my free time hanging with a small group of seniors that everybody in school knew. They were a rather misfit crew. Each had their own painful story of life and each were searching desperately for a small slice of peace from it.

I met people who were homeless, people who were raped, people who were abused, people that were suicidal, people on drugs, people who were anorexic, and I fit right in with them. I never tried anything and they never pressured me, but I wondered at their lives. Compared to some of them, my life was peachy. I began to thank God for giving me parents that were still together and for the confidence to say no to stuff. I began to treasure things most people to for guarantee. And in some roundabout way we all helped each other live, helped each other survive, helped each other heal.

Not everything stayed so peachy though. My father continued to sink further away from me. He angry almost all the time now and when he wasn't it was because he was sleeping. At Christmas we reached one of our biggest arguments yet.

One of my dad's friends had given me a satanic gift for a Christmas present. I had politely refused it, and the owner had taken it back, but not before Kaede saw it. She immediately went to my parents and discussed the fact that this friend of theirs might not be the type of person I should hang around. Everything got blown way out of proportion. My parents said it was now of her business and cast her from the house. They then said I was being influenced to much by Kaede and pretty much told me I couldn't see her for now. A week went by, then another. Soon 5 months had past.

I missed my aunt. This women that had raised me and taught me the ways of the world was suddenly out of my life. I saw her briefly at church, but I wasn't allowed to go stay with her or call her. Finally my parents and aunt made a truce, but we weren't the same for a long, long time.

This is where my resentment to my parents, particularly my father began. He had ruined my relationship with my aunt because she told him things he didn't want to hear. I bit my lip and said nothing, deciding I was too close to finally going to college to risk bringing up a touchy issue and being kicked out now.

I continued to find distraction in school and refocused on my studies, trying to imagine life after graduation. I failed miserably so instead I focused on what my senior friends lives would be like after graduation. The finally took the walk across stage, me crying in the audience, and suddenly I was the senior on campus.

Without my friends to hang with I had to reform a new group. I again worked my way in with the popular kids and kids I had known for many years. My brains and new comical ways helped earn me a place easily. I became known as a girl who would do almost anything on a dare. Almost. We formed our own group claiming to be nothing more than the Class of 07'. I found in my attempts to move up the social latter, another new face.

His name was Kohacku. Kohacku was a tall and slender boy. An ex-druggie and a funny addition to my school. He loved music, always telling me about his favorite songs and how badly he wanted his car fixed. (It had been in a wreck). He always failed at least one class, but somehow he managed to pass for the year. I always walked to class with him and we shared study hall together, along with Sesshoumaru. I liked him. He was charming and gentlemanly. I wanted desperately for him to take me to prom. Alas, it never happened.

I started scouting for a new people to take me to prom. First there was Miroku. Miroku's advances had elevated. He began to join us for birthdays and other celebrations. He would call me and tell me he latest idea to change the world. But none of this is why I like him. I liked him for his hugs. After Naraku, I had become very anti-touching. Besides my family, I had wrapped myself into a cocoon of my own skin. I hadn't even shaken hands with anyone of the opposite sex since then. Then Miroku had come along and hugged me. Oh it freaked me out the first time. Heck it freaked me out for the first whole year, but I got to where I expected it from him. In fact, I became hurt if I didn't get one. Then he began to act strange. After two years he added something new. Sometimes when I was just hanging out with him he would stop and place his hand on my cheek. Then he would look deep into my eyes and though contemplating whether to kiss me or not. He never did and I had to readjust myself to prepare for it to now. Sometimes after he would leave I would still feel his hand on my cheek and miss it's warmth. Sadly I never pushed a relationship with Miroku, he was taken by another and I refused to mess up something they had going. But I didn't have to.

Right after my 17th birthday Miroku called me and asked me to join him for dinner. Thrilled I quickly dressed and met him at the restaurant. He was on his cell phone. I waited patiently off to the side, watching his body language and giving him an encouraging smile when he looked my way. Finally he hung up and when he walked over to me I could see he was crying. He dried his face and gathered himself and as we sat down to dinner he just told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. Miroku and his girlfriend were always breaking up and getting back together, but I had never seen him cry over it. As we ate I offered as much advice and cheerful comfort as I could. When we were done I suggested we go to a nearby park to get some fresh air. We spent an hour just messing around on stuff we hadn't played on in many, many years. Finally, and grudgingly he took me home. Our relationship had changed. We were closer, but I again never pushed for a relationship afraid that in no time he would be together again with his old girlfriend.

The second person I wanted to take me to prom was surprisingly Sesshoumaru. He had always been nice to me and we shared quite a bit of history. Questions were asked in roundabout way if I was going to prom, but alas, he too never asked me. Fed up with boys in general I grabbed my best friend, Sango (who too was dateless) and proclaimed we would be the sexiest ho's of the entire prom.

Chapter Eight complete. Superstar. :)

Aslan


	9. Chapter 9

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Nine

Notes: Prom and Dad Issues

Before I continue with prom I feel the need to tell you what's happened with my Dad. The summer before my senior year everything changed.

To give you an idea of my father was like before he "changed" let's look at an example of his behavior. In January my father's mother's sister had died of cancer. We had all piled in the car and dutifully gone to the funeral. The service was lovely and everything was going pretty well. We stood up, did our walk by the casket and stepped outside into the bright sunlight. As we all stood milling about I stood of to the side and had a good cleansing cry. Out of nowhere my mother and father come stomping by arguing. She had apparently been poking him to keep him awake during the service and he was upset about it. Really lame if you ask me.

Anyways they're voice steadily got louder and louder. I was ordered to get in the car while the stood outside it arguing. I got in and my parents piled in and snapped back forth all the way back to the hotel, ignoring the confused looks the other mourner gave them. Back at the hotel they shoved their stuff into bags while I stood by the door with my suitcase watching them.

"I'm gonna go put my stuff in the car." I said hoping to get away from the shouting.

"Oh no your not! Your going to stand right there and take it!." Snapped my father slamming into the bathroom grabbing clothes and stuff.

"She is not! She doesn't have to take that attitude, this is between me and you mister!" My mom shouted back hands on her hips. Angry I snatched my bag and some clothes in a sack and trudged outside to the car anyways. I could hear the raised voices of my parents all the way out to the car. I loaded up the car and stood out in the hallway listening to the harsh words they shouted back and forth.

These were my parents. We'd just lost one of the nicest ladies in my family and they were arguing about my mother trying to keep my father from embarrassing himself at a funeral? I sat down leaning against the wall, my arms wrapped around my legs. What was wrong with them? Why did they have to be so mean? I wiped away frustrated tears and placed my head on my knees, waiting for the shouting to stop. I felt like a 5 year old wanting mommy and daddy to stop fighting, but not being able to do anything about it. If I could have hit my father I would have. Finally my mother and father left the room, turned in their key to the hotel, and piled in the car. We rode the whole 5 hours home in complete silence. That was the longest ride of my life.

This is my father was like. This is what my family was like, constantly. If we didn't have a fight a week we had two the next. In the merry month of June my father suffered a changing experience.

My dad had pretty much been sleeping for three days solid. I saw him briefly get up and eat or stagger to the bathroom, but other than that he was sleeping. On Monday he got up, went to work and called home an hour later claiming to be sick. When we went to pick him up her said he was seeing a bus crash and a dog run out of it. There wasn't a bus on the road. My mom dropped me back at the house and rushed him to the hospital.

Two hours later my mom called and told me they were keeping him, she said he was hallucinating and it was just getting worse. I hung up, then called Sango to ask if I could come over. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I didn't want to see what was wrong with my dad and honestly I'm not sure if I really cared. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love my father, but I was so sick of his issues. I decided to wait ti out till we knew more. I did eventually go up there, but I spent the next couple of nights at Sango's.

After two days in the hospital I was asked to come up there and keep an eye on dad while my mom went to work. I sat in that white room for 14 hours. My dad look frail and pathetic, hooked up to more knobs and tubes than I'd ever seen. We talked lightly, but really what was there to say. My dad had gone crazy and the doctors had no idea what was wrong. Finally my mom came in and I went home to rest. After a total of four days my dad was released. It turns out my father had narcolepsy and sleep apnea.

Narcolepsy is a sleeping disorder where you can basically fall asleep at any time at the drop of a hat. Sleep apnea is where you aren't taking in enough oxygen to the brain when you sleep. The doctor explained that by having these sleeping disorders my father wasn't getting enough oxygen when he slept, so therefore he was never falling into a deep restful sleep. Imagine not being able to sleep well for about 5 years. No wonder my dad was tired and irritable all the time. The doctor prescribed some medication and told him to get this machine called a C-Pack which forced oxygen into your body at night. We had to wait a week for the machine to come in.

I should probably mention that at this time I had worked a lot of odd and end jobs most of my teen years. I did some babysitting, I volunteered at the Humane Society for four years, sent a semester working for a daycare, and now I finally had a job selling bath/bed things and doing some cashiering as needed. It wasn't the best job, but I could do a lot worse.

I mention this because after about being home for 3 days my mom had me watch my dad, while she went to work again. I had work later, but she would be home by that time. Anyways, so I get up and my father is asleep in the living room recliner. I hang out on the couch, reading a book, when all of a sudden I see my dad's body start convulsing and shaking. I drop my book and rush over to his side. His body is just vibrating violently in the chair, his eyes wide open, but not seeing me.

"Dad! Dad! Wake up! Dad!" My dad was having a sezuire and for the life of me I couldn't remember what to do. I know I knew it too! I had specifically studied what to do in case this happened to one of my other friends with medical issues.

What the hell was it?!

All of a sudden my dad snapped out of. He sat up bolt right and took a deep breath. "Dad?" he looked at me. "What?"

My voice crack. "You scared the living shit outta me! Don't you ever do that again!" I shouted, my body shaking from the adrenaline.

"Sorry." Said my dad, before stumbling to his feet and trying to make a break for the bedroom. He made it halfway and fell to his knees. I raced over and held him up by his arm pits trying to soften the blow. I managed to get him to the bedroom where he asked for some water and some sunflower seeds. I raced off and got him some. He tried to hold the water and dropped it…three times. Frustrated he tired to eat some sunflower seeds and dropped them…twice. He had absolutely no coordination in his hands. I cleaned up the mess and refixed him some water holding it for him this time. I went and made him a sandwich which he dropped so many time sI lost count, but he got at least a little bit in his stomach.

He couldn't be still, he switched from the bedroom to the living room at least twelve times, every single time falling. He ended up just crawling room to room, refusing to accept my help, what little I could offer. I was so scared, and worried I called my grandma to come over. She too tired to help, but he refused.

My dad returned to the living room and sat down, his eyes following something that wasn't there. "What is it Dad?" I asked. He replied that birds were flying in the living room and the paintings were moving. I called my mom and said we were taking him back to the emergency room.

I dropped him off leaving him in charge of my mom and grandma. I was going to be late for work if I stayed. I made it a total of one hour at work before the realization hit me and I raced to the bathroom to be sick. I ended up leaving ad coming home. I cleaned the house and waited for news from my mom. My mom walked in looking tired about two hours later. She said they were keeping him overnight and she was going back up there. She was tired and she was worried. She didn't have time to worry about how I was feeling, she barely had room for her own. I told her to go on I'd stay at Sango's again. As she turned and walked out the door, I stood there in the kitchen cleaning the last of the dishes and feeling truly alone. I didn't have time to worry about what would happen to my dad, to us. I needed to focus and be strong. I had to keep this house moving for my mom.

Shaking off the feelings of despair I gritted my teeth and dried the last of the dishes. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I won't think about it today. I'll worry about that tomorrow." Eventually I forgot I'd even said there was a tomorrow. I just kept working my eight hour job and taking care of the pets waiting on my father's return.

When my dad finally did return he started using the oxygen mask thing and was better than I had seen him in about five years. It wasn't perfect, and I still resented him a lot, but the fights decreased by well over half.

All this good stuff happened right before my senior year. Now that I was a senior things were defiantly much improved, but prom was by far the best. I spun around my bedroom, my dress swishing in the light. Sango laughed and smiled from the mirror, busy brushing out her hair.

"I think we're gonna knock the breath out of the boys, what do you think?"

"Defiantly." Sango put down the brush and turned to look at her. "How do I look?" She asked me smiling.

"Better than Cinderella." I teased. Sango laughed and we slid on our shoes to complete our look. Finally ready we left the safety of the bedroom and entered the living room where the parents eagerly awaited to see the transformation.

I wore a floor length black dress, with a triangle of white silk to one side, to match my shawl. Silver rhinestones decorated their meeting point on my hip. White sandal heels and a silver purse completed the outfit. My long black hair was pinned up in a Victoria twist and delicate jewels shined in it.

Sango on the other hand wore an black theme. Ankle length black dress, with a black and read beaded shawl and black heels. Her hair down, but the top pulled back and pinned away from her face.

We both carried mask, since the prom theme was masquerade, mine a black, white and silver feather mask; Sango's a black and red feather butterfly. The parents stumbled to their feet, 'oooing' and 'ahhhing' at us. They quickly shuffled about, taking photos and asking them where to meet after the prom. Kaede stood at the door smiling to herself before finally pulling us away from our parents and taking us out to the car.

Kaede had offered to drive us to their big event, so she stood holding the car door open dressed from head to toe like a real chaffer. We hadn't been able to afford a limo so we had decided to borrow my grandmother's Lincoln, the nicest and closest thing to a limo as we could find. As we climbed into the car Kaede revealed a surprise from our parents. A huge basket was placed in the back for us, filled with all kinds of snacks and drinks like a real limo bar. White ginger ale, grapes, cheese and crackers all piled high in the basket. Kaede drove them around, occasionally stopping at landmarks or fountains to take pictures before finally heading to the stadium where the prom was to be held.

The care plugged to a stop outside the big stadium and Kaede immediately hopped out of the car to open the doors for us. We gracefully stepped out of the car and headed towards the entrance, waving Kaede off. We stepped through the doors and marveled at the decorations around us. The once classy suite had been transformed into a masked club. Mask of vibrate colors of purples, greens and gold's were splashed all around the room. The steady beat of the DJ overlaid the excited chatter of the people standing off to the side of the dance floor. People greeting, taking photos, in general just enjoying themselves. I pulled Sango towards a table to place down our shawls and purses and to catch up with some old friends. After about 20 minutes I had decided I'd had enough, I wanted to dance.

I glanced around the room and spotted some friends of mine. I worked my way over and began dancing with them. By hour two the entire floor was covered with people. Couples danced, teacher's dance, even people that didn't know each other danced. It really was quite fun. When the party was finally over and done I hooked back up with Sango and we made our exit. Kaede drove us to a late night restaurant where our parents waited, wanting to hear all about the night. We finally stumbled into my room at around 3 A.M. That really was one of the best nights ever especially after such a crappy year.

Chapter nine complete. Do-Dee-Do Review:D

Aslan


	10. Chapter 10

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Ten

Notes: Divorce, murder, help….

I always liked Christmas, it was all warm, full of family and tradition. After I had entered high school Christmas stopped being fun. Christmas junior year, my parents and my aunt Kaede had the biggest fight. My parents thought she was influencing me to much and pushing me to become a religious fanatic. What they didn't see was how much I really relied on religion to pull me through these trials, how much I truly loved believing in something, and the fact that my aunt felt the same way. I was banished from seeing my aunt for 5 months.

Do you know how that made me feel? The one person I actually respected, who had helped me through some of the trials of my life was suddenly banned from me. I could see her at church, but how can 10 minute sessions make up for the hours we could have had all those months. I was so pissed truly amazed that my parents honestly didn't believe I could think for myself. After 5 months my aunt came to my parents frustrated with the banning law and apologized for talking to me so much about religion and her ideas of the world. I was pissed.

My mom took me out to dinner and told me my aunt had apologized. What she didn't know was I had talked to her earlier and I already knew, and I had 5 months of stored conversation and it was coming out right now. I fell short of just yelling at my mom. My voice was dead pan and I let her see just how pissed I was in my eyes. I told my mother everything that was wrong with the whole fight, how the whole thing was just bad timing because it was Christmas and how really the whole thing was stupid because she was embarrassed we (my aunt and I) called her out on it. I told her how it wasn't anything at all to do with me and really my mom was just jealous of my aunt's relationship with me. I told her everything I had analyzed and thought over the 5 months of separation, and by the time I was done I'd left my mom speechless. Yes it was harsh, but I think for the first time my mom respected me for it. She actually saw my own brains that I showed her all along, but she had always believe was really my aunt's teachings shining through. My mom never questioned my belief's again.

That weekend I went back to my aunt's house. It was awkward. We didn't know what to say, what was safe to talk about or discuss anymore. Our relationship had died and paid a huge price for it. We slowly reestablished our relationship over the next few month, relearning ourselves, but it was never the same.

By Christmas my junior year my aunt and her own husband were having problems and finally she announced to us she was getting a divorce. My heart stopped for a moment. She called my dad and told him she was kicking my uncle out and he wasn't taking it very well. I heard police over the phone, I heard my dad call him bad names, I heard a lot and I was confused. Why? Why was this man that I loved like a father being shoved out of my life?

Later that night my aunt came to see me and she filled me in on what had happened. My aunt had found out that my uncle had not only been cheating on her, but had signed up on a dating site saying he was divorced and all kinds of other lies. I sat I stunned silence. My uncle had come into my life when I was nine. He's been there most of my life ad no he was just gone?

The next 6 months were horrible. My aunt moved in with us and I being her closest confidant got to here ever detail about the divorce. I watched my aunt pick up pieces that were left and try to make sense of them. I comforted her, counseled her and did my best to help with things I didn't understand. I mean, I was never married or in love or anything, so what could I tell her? The divorce was messy. Arguing over petty things in court, trying to get him to show up, signed the papers, who got the house, who got the dogs, etc. Never once did he call me. Never once did he even say hi to me or look at me when he stopped by to deliver paper or get mail. It was like I had never existed in his life, and it hurt. My family constantly talked bad about him, trying to help my aunt feel better, but I couldn't. He was my uncle, the only good male figure I my life for a long, long time. I was confused and hurt. I was mad, I mean I had trusted him with my aunt's heart and he broke it. Yet, I couldn't hate him, I even defended him to an extent to my family. They turned on me. They couldn't understand why I couldn't dislike him either. Depressed I gave up and listened to their ranting, sinking further and further back into my dark hole.

That Christmas was very empty. The space my uncle had feel was gone and there was one less person at the dinner table. There was one less person to share Christmas pranks with, to bake cookies for. I missed my uncle bad, but I know I didn't want him back to hurt us again. I mourned the loss of my uncle, even though he wasn't dead.

I again denied and pushed aside my feeling to try to have a good time and thought once again that I would think about it tomorrow, until I forgot. It wasn't brought up again until I started my senior year and started preparing for college.

I decided to clean out my closet to make room for boxes that would fill it in the next few months. As I unburied a box from my shelf I looked inside. Inside were picture of my aunt and uncle, one of my favorite pictures of us together, some old Christmas toys we had shared as jokes, and a shirt with saying he had written on it for me. I sat down on my bed and held the pictures, the shirt wrapped in my hands and I cried. Tomorrow had caught up with me.

I released my love for my uncle and finally took time to accept that he was gone and not coming back. I cried for everything. I cried for my aunt, I cried for my dad, I cried for myself. I cried for everything I had denied myself. I cried for having to grow up to fast, for the lonely darkness that threatened to overtake me day by day, and I cried for everything I had refused to cry for. I realized I was just like Ayame, in denial that I needed help. I didn't want to turn out like her. After an hour I stood and staggered to the living room, tears still on my face, shirt still in hand. I found my mom ironing in the living room.

"Mom." She turned to look at me, concern flew over her face as she saw me.

"What is it, what's wrong." I wiped at my face with the shirt I held.

"Mom I want to get counseling." My mom froze in place.

"What?"

"I want to get counseling." I repeated, trying to get myself together.

"Why?" If I hadn't been so worn out from crying I would have been offended.

"Because." I held up the shirt, one she knew from my uncle. "Because I can't handle this and I want to talk to someone, someone outside the family."

"Okay baby, we'll see what we can do." I nodded and returned to my room, collapsing on my bed and finished my own cleansing before falling asleep.

A week later nothing had come from my talk with my mother so I took matters into my own hands. I went to my preacher and talked to him about everything. About the divorce, about my dad, about the abuse. I don't remember much, just sitting there staring at my shoes, shaking as I told him everything, waiting. Waiting for a harsh word, or blow, waiting to be condemned, or damned for feeling the way I did. He never got up and hugged me or consoled me, but he listened and that's what I really needed. He suggested a counseling center and helped me set up an appointment with them. I thanked him and left. I can't thank him enough for that.

I gave the information to my mom and told her I wanted them to go with me for my first visit. Monday morning at 3 in the afternoon I went to my first counseling visit. They had me fill out a questionnaire, and then waited for about ten minutes until a nice lady named Kirara. Kirara was a short, sturdy woman who aged gracefully, but was always a quiet, perceptive type. She sat at a computer chair in a small room with one big window and a huge brown leather couch. We all sat down, my parents on either side of me. She asked some basics questions like, was it my idea to come to counseling, etc. Finally she asked if I would like my parents to be in the room for the session. I shook my head no, she asked them politely to go wait in the waiting room. As soon as the door closed I felt myself relax. The psychologist noticed it to and gently asked why I had asked to receive counseling. I told her about my uncle, and my dad. I told her about how I was abused and how I honestly didn't even know where to begin. She sat there in stunned silence, saying "wow." Too much to fast maybe? We started from the beginning, much like this story, and the hour was over in no time, with only the barest of my emotions having been examined. We made an appointment for next Monday. I felt better, good to know someone was finally there to listen to me, to help me.

About 4 weeks into counseling when I suffer another shock. I was getting ready for school and I flicked on the news to see what the weather was like. The breaking story for that morning was a murder, and not just any murder, a murder of a friend from school. I raced to school to find out what her friends knew. The girl was a friend and classmate; I had her in at least one class every single year of high school. She was a intern at an elementary school, like me. She wanted to be a teacher. Apparently her mother and stepfather were getting a divorce and in a rage her father had burned down the house, her trapped inside. The seniors gathered together and raised funeral funds for the family, made them cards and in general tried to comfort each other.

Sesshoumaru held me as I too joined the student mourning the loss of a good friend. No one should have to go like that, especially not a girl as nice as she was. The scary part was how eerily close it was to my own situation. The family was divorcing, so was my aunt. The divorce was messy, so was my aunt. I was the only child in the family my aunt was living with us. Would my uncle lose it and burn us down too?

I saved these questions for counseling hoping to get answers to so many questions and problems I didn't understand.

Chapter ten complete. :O

In memory of Destini Barron, R.I.P.


	11. Chapter 11

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Eleven

Notes: On the counseling couch…

The big, leather couch quickly became my best friend. Kirara was in the room, talking to me discussing me problem and issues, but really I just remember the couch. I knew as soon as I sat down everything would be okay, because I was somewhere safe with someone who really wanted to help me. I always grabbed one of her oversized pillows and hugged it to myself, my chin resting on the top of the pillow while I talked. It was my shield, my words my sword, as I fought through my problems.

The first thing we really discussed was my abuse. At the time I hadn't even given a name to it, merely called it "what he did to me." I hadn't even made the connection in my head he was abusing me. I never looked at Kirara in the face, merely stared blankly at the wall behind her, lost in my own world. I told her out loud how it happened, how it made me feel afterwards, etc.

I told her about the guilt of being the older child, thinking I should have known better. I told her about how I should have fought against it happening, not have let my body take over. I told her about how even when I did try to stop it, I failed. Her voice coaxed me back, telling me what I described was actually abuse, and that no it wasn't my fault. She also made the statement that some of the specific things I mentioned that he did to me, were not something a normal child would know. It was possible he had been abused before. For some reason that had never clicked with me before. Immediately I felt relieved, maybe it wasn't my fault after all, least not completely.

We talked about the divorce. We talked about my family's reaction to my uncle and how I feel about him. How I felt hurt and confused, how I felt left and forgotten by him. She helped me mourn the loss of my uncle and realize I had unrealistic thoughts that my family would ever treat him any better than they had. I would have to respect their opinions and not let it get to me, it was just them healing. We also talked about the death of my friend and how scared I felt that something similar might happen to me. She reminded me that was a pretty freak situation and we quickly moved on.

The next thing we tackled was my father. I told her about our constant clashing, his illnesses, how I was afraid to talk to him. I told her about how I resented my father; how I shamefully used to wish he'd just disappear. I told her about how I couldn't bring myself to tell him these things because I fear he would blow up on me. Of course, this is exactly what she told me to do. She wanted me to tell my father what I told her. My mom and aunt agreed, they both felt like now was the time to talk to him since he was doing so well now. The thought alone nearly sent me into a panic attack, but determined to get better I would try.

The afternoon as my father and I drove home from the center I thought it was worth a try. I felt empowered from my visit and I felt like my father was in a pretty good mood. I had him pull over into a parking lot on the way home and I told him how I felt. I told him how I resented some things he'd did and said to me, even though he didn't remember. I told him I didn't feel like he was my father at times and how I missed that feeling. He lost it. He started yelling at me.

"Did I ever hit you?! Did I ever beat you?!" I felt myself cringe inside and close off. He wasn't going to listen to me, he didn't want to.



"Dad, listen to me!" I shouted back. He kept on.

"What do you want me to do about that stuff?! I don't' remember it!" I bit my lip and cried out in frustration. He was pissed and he was beyond hearing me.

"Dad stop! Just listen to me okay! That's all I want is for you to fucking listen!" He carried on shouting, more and more. Suddenly the truck was too crowded. We were only a couple of blocks from home. I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door.

"Go on home, I'll meet you there!" I shouted stepping outside the car.

"Kagome! Get your ass back in this car! Get in here right now or don't bother coming home!" I stood there, hand on the door shaking. I slowly got in the car and buckled up, staring straight ahead. My dad was muttering under his breath as we drove the short distance home. I ignored it, to pissed to pay attention, but one phrase caught my attention.

"Damn you do need help." My heart stopped. What? Did he really think that? Am I crazy? Am I wrong for all these feelings I have? No. No, I'm not. The anger surged through me anew. How dare he! How dare he think that I am wrong! We parked and got out of the car. I forget what was said, but I remember as we walked into the door me and dad were shouting again.

"Fine!"

"Fine!" I shouted slamming the door as I followed behind him. My dad stormed to his room and I locked the door and headed straight for the back door, not even wanting to be in the same house with him. My mother and aunt had obviously heard us enter. My aunt, hide in her room and my mother came out to talk to me. I was furious. I paced around the backyard, breaking twigs and kicking the tree in our back yard, trying to release the anger I had held back. I finally flopped down in a car on the back porch while my mother asked what was wrong. I gave her a brief summary. I had tried to talk to him and he didn't take it well. When I got to the part about getting out of the car my mom told me that hadn't been a good idea. I snapped at her.

"Well I'm sorry, but I'm just so GODDAMN ANGRY!" I screamed at her. I'd never talked to my mom or anyone that way before. I turned my head away and cried. I cried out my anger, my frustration, and my shame at yelling like that. I had always been the controlled one, I only ever lost it like this is private. My mom stood there and told me gently to calm down and she would go talk to my father. As I watched her enter the house I felt bad. My mom was always in the middle of our fights. She shouldn't have to be, but I didn't know how to handle this alone. After about an hour I just felt exhausted. I entered my room and slept.

Me and my father refused to talk. There was an overwhelming tension in the house and after three days it showed no sign of stopping. My aunt and mom pressured me to go talk to him again. They didn't' want to deal with the tension any longer. I spitefully waited another hour before I went and talked to him, angry at them for their pressuring starting this stupid fight.

I walked into my dad's bedroom; he was lying on the bed flipping through the TV. "Dad, are you mad at me?" I asked, my voice low, my eyes staring off to the side. I always have a problem looking my problems in the face unless pushed hard enough. My dad matched my voice.

"No, I'm just confused."

"About what?"

"About everything. I mean, did I ever hit you, ever beat you?"



"No."

"Well then what do you want from me wh-"

"I just want you to listen to me."

"I am, but there's nothing I can do about stuff I don't remember."

"I know that Dad, all I'm asking if so you to hear me out."

"What happened? We used to tell me everything, we could talk about anything. Why did that change?"

"Because of you Dad." I snapped.

"Because of Naraku I never wanted to disappoint you again. But dad you said and did things that really hurt my feelings when you were sick and that stuff doesn't just go away. I just want to tell you about it, so you know how I got this way, what made me what I am. Think about your dad, he was sick with Alzheimer's right; he'd have good days and bad days. Sometimes he'd remember things, other times he wouldn't, but that wouldn't make that time go away would it?"

"No."

"See. I just feel like I need to tell you this stuff. I'm sorry it sounds like I'm calling you a crappy father, but you need to know it affected me. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Are you still mad at me?"

"No."

"Okay then." I hugged him really fast, whether he wanted it or not, and then returned to my room. The biggest part of the storm had passed.

It wasn't perfect, but I accepted he wouldn't ever truly understand what life was like growing up with him. A month later he lost his job for medical reasons. I had to leave going to counseling because we couldn't afford it anymore. I felt like I had a better hold on my life now and though maybe I could manage the rest alone. I said goodbye to my couch and walked out the door prepared to face the rest of my life.

Chapter eleven! ZOMG:D


	12. Chapter 12

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Twelve

Notes: Relapse, finding love, beginning of the healing…

People never tell you that it doesn't go away. I was always told if you had an issue you go get help and things would be better. Easy peasy. It's not true, well not totally.

Counseling did help, some. I think my sessions ended to soon though. I figured out later I still had questions, and no answers. When you are an abuse survivor one of the best and most helpful techniques is systematic desensitization. This is where you break down and slowly introduce things bit by bit. For example, if you're afraid of clowns you start slow. You talk about clowns, and then you might look at a picture about a clown, etc. until you build yourself up enough to actually see a real life clown. Each step you learn how to relax and move on. Abuse victims do something similar. We generally talk about what happened we go through and break down each move discussing what you feel as the abuser does each thing; you go through each and every step, etc. We never did that, least not in counseling.

They don't tell you it doesn't go away. They don't tell you the memories don't stop, the pain is still there, and the questions stay unanswered. They don't tell you the depression never leaves and the sixth sense is permanent. When I say sixth sense I don't mean the "I see dead people" sense. I mean a sort of "awareness."

Any child that has been a victim of some form of trauma, abuse, divorce, witness to a crime, whatever go through a "wake up" period. We become almost hyperaware to people's emotions, more than normal people. Sometime we can see others with problems like us, a similarity in ourselves. Some people call it women's intuition, but I don't, because it doesn't apply to just women.

When you've been "awaken" there is only two things you can do. You can try to change it or become a part of it. I tried to change it, I went and sought counseling, tried to get help to keep from become one of these people that keep abuse going. I wanted to help others like me so I began to look for colleges with a psychology program. I struggled to push aside days I fell into "moods" and didn't know why. I was not going to go back there; I did not want to once again lose myself to that darkness.

My therapist said I had PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, common in abuse victims. She also told me even though logically I was above average for my age group, my emotional state was stunted. I never grew emotionally from about ages 10 to 12. Through the 6 months I was in individual therapy I moved up to being round age 14 emotionally, I was in fact 17 almost 18 at this time.

I'm going to fast forward from here. Really what is there to say, I went to a couple of movie dates with a few boys, I graduated high school and the loneliness. Life just kept moving on. I'm going to fast-forward to me, a small girl, the first of my family to ever go to college. It was exciting, it was scary, and it was freedom. I'm going to fast-forward to after I moved to settling in with my roommate Rin, to realizing I was free to explore myself without my parents or anyone breathing down my neck. I'm going to fast-foreword till I reach my second month of college, till I figured out I wasn't ready, till I figured out that 14 wasn't good enough anymore.

In college I was amazed at how mature I was compared to other girls. How things like sororities and who has the best hair didn't interest me. I cared about life, ideas, theories, and the future. I had a hard time forming conversations I was actually interested in with these girls that seemed to be stuck in a high school fashion magazine. My roommate was great; she was just like me wanting to talk about the history of secret societies or the latest test on an episode of myth busters. Even though she lived to be an English major, she was highly fascinated in psychology and we could always talk about it. But talking opened stuff in me.

The memories crashed down twice as much and it was beginning to seep into my classroom time. Girls enjoyed talking about that stuff. Sex, babies, birth control, love, anything involving any of these would set off a trigger in me. What could I do about it? I couldn't tell them to stop, they'd ask why and I certainly didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to leave, it was like running, running away saying I wasn't strong enough to handle this. I was strong enough, I had to be. Weakness was not and had never been an option.

So what do you do? I started dreaming about it, started seeing him everywhere. Immediately after the abuse I shut myself off, distances myself from what I couldn't handle, but now it was different. Now it had been brought to my attention and I couldn't escape it, now my mind thought I was emotionally ready to deal with it. I found myself sitting for long period of time outside just thinking, thinking about how I got this way, what was holding me back from moving on, and why when I see him I still feel like a ten year old. I gave in and told my roommate about it. She comforted me and told me to look into the counseling services the school offered. A week later I was in the office.

I felt ashamed. I hadn't been strong enough and I was right back at square one. I was back into a therapist office. After a short "getting to know you" interview she signed me up for a sexual abuse group. I had to wait a month before the group began. In the mean time I had to deal on my own.

In this month Sesshoumaru and I grew very close. He stood by me, even when I was in a "mood." I became more and more excited to see him, actually missing the time we didn't spend together. In a world filled with so much chaos it was nice to be able to find your rock in the world.

Halfway through the month I got a call saying they didn't have enough participants for the group so it had been canceled, but I also met the criteria for dysfunctional families group and I was welcome to join them. I took the offer. Every Tuesday for 4 months I walked into the room of chairs, set in a circle, with 7 other girls. By the end of those 4 months two girls had dropped out.

I heard so many stories, all different yet the same. I heard a story about a girl with a bipolar mother, who was physically and verbally abusive. She was struggling with the darkness, trying not to fall into the same patterns as her mother, she was 35. I heard a girl talk about her father, a famous man in the Hispanic community who struggled with alcoholism, she was only 17. I heard a girl talk about her parents in a relationship with no love, who demanded she be more like her siblings, age 18. I heard a girl who ran away from home as soon as she could, living and finding comfort in solitaire, age 20. I also heard a girl who struggled to find a way to help her brother who tried to kill himself, as she also dealt with some serious mental, emotional, and verbal abuse at home, age 18. As we each told our stories we found a common ground to stand on. Even though each one of our pain was different for each situation we all had one thing in common. We were hurt, we were confused, and we wanted to know there were others like us. The group was helpful, I made some connections between my family and abuse that I hadn't made before. I also found comfort in the fact that there were other soldiers like us that struggle sometimes. I didn't get any of the comfort for my abuse, but I did get comfort in finding others with common ground. We would see each other in the hall or in a class knowing we shared something the other people didn't. We had silent allies if needed. But I also had another ally, one that didn't have to be silent. Sesshoumaru was never good at being silent, least not for long.

One day Sesshoumaru and I were hanging around joking with our friends. I greeted him warmly, shouting his name as loud as I could; he in turn did the same.

"Oh you two should just get married already." Snapped Sango. Sesshoumaru and I looked at each other, a silent message passing between us. Slowly Sesshoumaru lowered himself to one knee and clasped his hands in a begging gesture.

"Miss Kagome will you please marry me." I smiled and over accentuated my southern accent.

"Why of course I would!" I pulled him from the ground and hugged him tightly. The group was laughing, and we were smiling.

"Well come on we have to get ready!" Said Sango, dragging me by the hand. She helped me slide into the best dress I had, a white and gold dress, followed by some fake white daisies. Sesshoumaru I heard was taken aside by Sango's new boyfriend and dressed as well. They had already picked a location for us and we suddenly found ourselves at the "alter." Sango stood as my maid of honor, her own dress long, and black. As I walked up the small path to the preacher I couldn't help but notice Sesshoumaru. He stood in front of the preacher, Sango's boyfriend, in a black shirt and pants. He looked dashing and I for a second forgot how to walk. I found myself standing beside him, my hand in his while the preacher read us his version of the vows. Honestly I barely remember them, my face burned red. I can't believe I was having a fake wedding with Sesshoumaru, but what startled me more was I didn't mind. I liked Sesshoumaru, more than I thought I did. After the wedding we paused to play a quick video game with our friends, until we both felt it was time to leave. There were lots of wise cracks about our honeymoon, and we both awkwardly had no idea what to do about it. We distracted ourselves by having a snowball fight and by dancing in the snow, but the question was still there, what about sex?

I excused myself and made my way home, getting on the computer as I entered. Sesshoumaru was already on. I actually missed him already, so why not hang out and talk some more. I wasn't tired and he was on. I pulled him up in an AIM conversation and we talked. We talked about a lot of stuff, how we saw the world, what we wanted from life, from ourselves. I wish I had kissed him. I wish I had taken the time to enjoy his arms more, to be comforted by someone else for once. I still could.

I mentioned I really enjoyed dancing with him earlier, and he suggested we imagine that we were doing it again. So we pretended to dance. We dance, and dance. And somewhere along the way we got hot and we both sought for something, sought the comfort we had denied ourselves in each other's presence. One by one our clothes fell away.

We fell into our own imaginations, imaginations connected for a short time. I knew the moves and he supplied the action. It wasn't love, it wasn't even that complicated, we both wanted to be held, to be comforted by someone else's arms tonight. In the warmth of that night something began to heal in me. It wasn't very big, but for the first time I found myself healing just a little bit, from the inside out.

When it was over I saved the conversation, unfortunately one of my friends found it and splashed it everywhere. We tried to down play it, pretending like it was no big deal, hoping it would go away. It didn't, but that didn't matter anymore. Embarrassing yes, but not the end of the world. Sesshoumaru stepped up, and tried to take the brunt of the jokes, to shelter me from them. No one had ever done that for me before. No one. Who was this man that I was "married" to?

I felt myself draw closer and closer to him every day. He constantly showed me another side of him I didn't know, another side I liked. It hit me one day that he liked me. Like more than a friend, more than even a fuck buddy, he like me, for me. It baffled me.

I could not once name a time that a guy really liked me for more than just sex, for more than just what I could do for them. He cared, and he wanted to be the one to help me. He wanted to by my knight and I was the damsel that didn't know that was exactly what I was looking for. I felt like I could do it to, I could give myself to him and not think twice. He had to know. He had to know what happened to me because if I fell for him totally my heart would be on the line and it could only be broken so many more times.

Chapter twelve!!!! Getting close to the end:XXX

Aslan


	13. Chapter 13

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Thirteen

Notes: Falling in love, more healing… Italic is Sesshoumaru's point of view…

I should probably mention that the number of people I actually told was very limited; so the thought of telling someone like Sesshoumaru, someone who could love me was horrifying. It was different to tell someone who could like as more than a friend, someone who could possibly love me, but he had to know. 

He had to know because it played a hug role in my life and it would defiantly affect our relationship. It would affect how I felt about certain subjects, it would affect how comfortably I would be physically with him, and it would affect if I could let myself go enough to love him. So I prepared myself, that night I pulled Sesshoumaru aside and sat down on our oversized couch, forcing him to sit with me. 

"What's up?" He asked, confused by my strange actions and awkward silence.

"Sesshoumaru...are you serious about dating me? Like do you still want to?" He stared at me for a second, but didn't even think twice in his reply.

"Of course I am." I bit my tongue.

"Then there's something you need to know first." He waited while I searched for the words that eluded me.

"What is it?" My tongue felt heavy like lead.

"I don't know how to say it." He placed a hand on my arm.

"Just say it. It'll be easier." I nodded and took a deep breath.

"When I was ten…I was sexually abuse and raped by my cousin." There it was out. He sat in silence letting the thought wash over him, as he struggled to figure out what to say, I rambled on.

"I was young and stupid and didn't know anything about sex and…well he took advantage of that." This is always the worst part of telling someone, that awkward silence, the moment when your secret is out and you wait to be condemned. The moment in which the person is decided whether to pity you or not. 

_It's__ hard to explain how I felt when you told me. Hundreds of emotions, and thoughts were streaming through me at the time. __It's__ hard really to put all the emotions I felt into words. I mean at first it was I thought, "Wow, I mean she is messed up"._

So much in such a few seconds.

I watched the thoughts and emotions flash across his face and knew I'd have to say more. I stared off towards to the window and told my story. I told him everything I could without getting graphic. I let myself float through my thoughts, telling him about how I had been so confused, how I liked sex, but I hated the abuse. How I had tried to get him to stop, how he hadn't. How he still came around, how I my parents and I didn't get along, everything.

_Cause like you said you almost "enjoyed" it because it was like nothing you felt before. I mean I have never met anyone who went through anything like this, so like at first it was little like a punch in the gut._

Everything I could think that made me feel like less of a person, more like a child. I told him anything I could to drive him away. Away from me, away from my sins, away from my guilt, my shame.

_I mean by then I had already really fallen for you, like so no matter what you said I still felt attached to you. _

There was just one problem. He wasn't leaving.

_I mean being with you is so amazing so like, no matter what, I wanted to be with you._

Why? Why was he not like running for the hills? Why was he placing a warm arm around me? Why was he still here?

_I mean my whole like I have been very protective of people I was attached to, girls mostly. Almost instinctive like a male protecting the women of his pack, it's kind of hard to explain, that's the best analogy I can think of. Since I was already attached to you, I felt like I had to protect you, so I mean, it fueled my drive to just connect with you, to fall for you more I guess. _

He couldn't still be here because he actually cared about that shit right? I mean, someone caring about my problems? Ha, since when?

_I mean the situation you were in was really kind of what I wanted even though I didn't know it. _

I looked away from the window and into his eyes. The storm of emotions and questions that had been brewing before had subsided; they had picked an emotion, to protect what is mine.

_Like I wanted that kind of attachment, I wanted someone who would depend on me, someone who I could "protect." _

I'd never seen that look in someone's eyes before, for me. I sat in stunned silence, my words failing me. Anyone I had ever told accepted it as fact, but they didn't really show that it mattered now. Sesshoumaru did. He cared and I couldn't fathom why…

_The best feeling I could give would almost be anger, resentment. Not for you, but for the people who committed the act, Naraku, and the people who didn't help like your immediate family. After they found out they didn't do anything drastic, like if I was your father I probably would have beaten the shit out of your cousin._

Who was I to receive such care? Who was I to receive such absolute…love?

_After you told me this, I felt so connected with you. I felt really…so in love with you to be honest. _

I blinked back confusion and the pressure building behind my eyes. I would not cry, I would not. 

_Like an ADHD kid drinks coffee and falls asleep. You told me this and I fell further in love where it would have driven most people away. _

Sesshoumaru accepted me, faults and all. It was the impossible made possible. It was all I had ever hoped and dreamed for, but I had no idea what to do with it. I cradled this feeling in me, examining it, poking it, and trying to absorb it. I didn't know if this was love or not, but Sesshoumaru had become the water I drink, the air I breathe, overnight.

_So, the bond between us was really sealed after this, like the wax seal on the will, at least in my mind._

Even after all of this, he still wanted me. Even if I was damaged, even if I was broken.

_I mean it's hard for me to understand your feelings during that, because I have never experienced that in my life and I have known no one who has. Even during my entire life I have never knew anyone like that. _

He still wanted me.

_So at first I did kind of hit me, but I was like you know; I love you so much and I want to protect you. I knew you needed someone, and I told myself that I would be that one. _

Me…he really truly wanted me.

He hugged me goodnight, whispered a promise of safety and love in my ear, and left me to accept this change that had just happened in my life. I was no longer alone in this; I no longer had to struggle to lift this weight by myself anymore, he was here to help.

And life moved on. 

We shared our first Valentine's, my first ever shared with someone. For Valentine's I made him a CD with a lyrics book of love songs that reminded me of him and a cross necklace. He gave me a locket, with a picture of him that said "I love you" on the front, and a note I must have read at least a thousand times.

Every day I fell more in love with him. We slowly worked through my problems, and his, drawing on each other for support. For the first time I had someone who would fight for me, who would claim me. Someone who wanted me. 

Sometimes I have to get used to this idea. Suddenly I had this person who would get jealous, and would fight for me. For someone who has never had that before it's the most incredible feeling that this person could care so much. 

I wanted to show him how I felt. I wanted to prove to him, he was the only one for me. I wanted to give him what had been taken from me.

One night, when we were hanging out on AIM again I decided I would. I couldn't bring myself to do anything for real with him, our relationship still really new to me, but I could offer myself to him in another way. This time it was about comfort, it was about love.

((((((((((((((LEMON JUICE:O)))))))))

I gently wrapped my arms around him, my lips placing a light kiss on his forehead. I kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, his lips…

I bathe his face in my kisses my fingers tracing his jaw and curling lightly in his hair. His hands slide across my body to rest on my hips, pulling me into his warmth. 

"What is your ultimate fantasy Sesshoumaru?" I whispered, my eyes staring dead serious into his own. He thought for a moment, considering what I had asked.

"A blowjob." He replied, not really expecting anything from me, merely answering my question. I smiled and leaned in, placing my forehead against his. 

"Ask and you shall receive." I teased. This was something I could do for him, something special meant only for him only. He stared at me, blinking in surprise before opening his mouth to reply.

"Kagome, will you give me a BJ please?" I smiled and kissed him lightly. I hadn't really expected him to take me literally and ask, I would have done it anyways. He had surprised me, but I was alright with that. 

I kissed my way down his neck, to the edge of his shirt collar, only pausing long enough to remove it. Once that was out of the way my lips return to their exploring, inching further and further down his chest. When they finally reached the edge of his pants I decided to have a little fun. 

I slide my hand under the very edge of his pants, pulling them down ever so slowly, licking and kissing the soft skin. I heard a moan slip from him and knew it was time to move on. I undid his pants and slowly slide them, and his underwear, off. 

He lay under me, exposed and I hovered over him, letting him barely taste the warmth of my body heat. I gently ran my fingers across him, revealing in the feeling of the soft skin under my fingertips. He shivered and I rubbed against him slightly harder. His fingers tighten on my hips, letting me know it certainly wasn't pain he was feeling. I gently wrapped my entire hand around him, enveloping him in the warm cocoon of my palm. He arched under me, his breath hissing out between his teeth. I heard him moan my name, but I was entrapped by watching him under me.

I slowly lowered my head closed to him, letting my warm breath roll across his tip. Slowly I flicked my tongue out just barely grazing his tip. He moaned again. Again I flicked my tongue. 

Soon flicking wasn't enough for me, I need to feel him against me totally. I slide my fingers away replacing them with my tongue and lips. He was warm in my mouth, his flesh soft like velvet to my tongue. I worked myself down his shaft as far as I could, then back up again. His hips rocked against me and I had to adjust to keep pace with him, to keep from hurting him. Over and over I slide up and down him, my mouth beginning to suck him lightly. His urgency building.

Then suddenly I knew. I knew he was close and I needed to decide whether to keep going in my mouth, or not. This man I loved was enjoying himself and I wanted to do this for him, it wouldn't hurt me to keep going. So I did. I rocked with him, sucking him hard, my tongue sliding along his flesh. Then suddenly he came. 

The liquid rushed into my mouth so fast I just had to keep swallowing to keep up. A sweet, yet salt flavor. When he was done and limp in my mouth I released him, wiping my mouth away with the back of my hand. And then, he surprised me again.

Before if I had ever done anything sexual with anyone online, once the act was done, it was done. Sesshoumaru didn't see it that way. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, thanking me for what I had done. I had merely done what he had asked, why was he thanking me? 

Sesshoumaru kissed me passionately, his body shifting so now he was the man on top and I was the one of bottom. He too kissed my body, but so I can find no other way to describe than just short of worshipping it. My clothes to disappeared and I suddenly realized he was going to pay me back. If he hadn't have been so damn distracting with his tongue I would have been shocked right out of the mood. No one had done this for me before, just cause they felt like it. It had always been a privilege should the man bestow the blessing of sex upon me, not because he wanted to just cause. 

"What's your fantasy?" He whispered in my ear. I didn't even think twice about me reply.

"You already gave it to me." I replied me hands cupping his cheek gently. And he did. Every single day he gave me more than I had dared to hope for. He love me, he protected me, and he accepted me. I could think of nothing I treasured more.

I marveled at this realization, relishing like I never had before in the art of making love. Every kiss, every touch began to have new, deeper meanings. I felt him rub against me, asking permission to enter. How could I say no? 

I looked up at this man above me, memorized his face beneath my fingers and I cried. I did not cry from pain, or from memories, no. I cried because my heart was healing and it hadn't known it was broken. I rode along with Sesshoumaru until my body could stand it no longer. He collapsed on top of me and I held him in my arms, kissing him lightly across the face, whispering "I love you" until I felt like I would lose my voice. He tired to shut me up by kissing me, but I couldn't help it. I had no other words to describe what I felt for him. 

((((((((((((((((((((((((LEMON END)))))))))))))))))))))))))

That night we both fell asleep in each other's arms, and when and if we made love, it now fulfilled the very words it described.

This wouldn't be the only time the comfort of Sesshoumaru's arms would heal me. 

Chapter 13! So close!

Aslan


	14. Chapter 14

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Fourteen

Notes: Rape, the new way to heal…

Even though my world had drastically improved we still experienced a bump now and then. One of the more dramatic memories I have is that of a bad dream once, probably about two months into our relationship.

The dream was very frightening. It started out as just flashbacks. I saw Naraku; from the first time he abused me, all the way to the last. Every single time rushed through my mind replaying like a broken record. I clenched my teeth and told myself this was nothing new, it would pass. And it did, it passed to after I told my parents, to every single time he came to my house and I hid in my locked room waiting for him to go away. 

Then suddenly my dream changed. I was no longer reliving old memories, but something new. I was walking down the hall towards the front door, purse in hand, ready to go out for the night. But something was wrong, a car had pulled up behind mine and now I couldn't get out. Irritated I glared at the car that was blocking me trying to see who it was. 

Naraku and his parents slowly got out of the car. My blood went cold, and my limbs immediately started shaking. He was coming, I had to leave. Since I could drive away I fell onto my backup plan. I rushed to my room and tried to lock the door, but my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't grip the lock. Within second the door was being pushed open and Naraku stood before me. 

(((((((((((((Don't read, lemon….I warned you))))))))))))))

I slowly backed away from the door, my feet heavy as lead. Naraku entered the room shutting the door behind him, locking it easily. As soon as I heard the lock clicked into place I knew it was over, I was trapped. Naraku let a smile I can only describe as pure evil slide onto his lips.

I stood dead center in the middle of my room frozen. It was over, I'd lost. Naraku looking like a cat that finally caught its mouse. He walked over to me, grabbing my wrist in his hand, squeezing it tightly.

"Wanna play a game?" At the sound of his voice I felt myself die, I lost touch with reality. In my dream I saw myself leave my body; I saw a "ghost" version of myself. I suddenly realized there were actually three me's right now. There was me, the one having the dream and knew it was a dream, there was this new "ghost" form that was my emotions and my mind, and then there was my body, which was being 

pulled towards my bed right now. I turned towards my ghost self, screaming at her to shut her eyes. My voice was muffled and sounded far off. 

"Close your eyes! Please! Close your eyes!" She ignored me, just standing there starring at my body. I was shoved onto the bed, locked down under the weight of Naraku straddling me.

"Please….close your eyes…" My voice was drifting off, too distracted by what I was seeing. Naraku pulled my shirt off and tossed it aside. His left hand gripping my upper arm painfully, his face hover inches above my own. His right hand slide across my chest to my pants, beginning to jerk them off of me. 

"Close your eyes! Close them!" I shouted at my ghost, my panic rising. Naraku had covered my mouth with his hand his other hand squeezing my arm. Naraku had removed my bra and was pressing against my breast painfully. I know I was crying, but I didn't feel any emotion inside. As the cloth was jerked away I turned towards my ghost, tugging on her arm.

"Close your eyes….please…" I was begging her, desperately. The ghost seemed to have finally heard me, covering her eyes with her hands. Slowly they parted, peeking through at my body. I turned to see what had her so captivated.

Naraku was licking the tears off my face, enjoying my fear. I turned away from him burying my face in the shoulder of my ghost self, my eyes squeezed shut tightly. I whispered to myself, "Wake up Kagome! Wake up!" but it didn't help. The adrenaline and fear swept over me and my ears buzzed with it. Scared that I couldn't hear I looked up at my ghost. She still stood petrified, eyes peaking through her fingers, tears glistening, but never falling. She had lost her clothes, Naraku had stripped me, and the bruises he made were appearing on her skin. For a moment, looking into my ghost's eyes I saw through them. I saw what she was seeing.

Hands flashed over my body, hurting, bruising, and scratching. Hot breath, warm skin, heavy weight. They all rushed over me. The buzzing grew in my ear until I can only hear one thing, "Wanna play a game? You like that don't you?" And suddenly I felt what I saw. 

I felt his weight, I felt him rubbing against me, knowing full well what he was doing to me. In some sick twist part of me, a part I buried deep, deep, within I did enjoy it, and I hated myself for it. Logically I knew this was normal for sexual abuse victims, it's normal to feel pleasure, it's a body's natural function. It doesn't make you hate it any less; it doesn't make your shame disappear. 

All these thought flew out of my head very quickly though. Suddenly I felt my legs jerk apart, and I felt myself being ripped in half forcefully as he entered me. It's the same feeling when someone jams a finger up you, that sudden intrusion you weren't expecting. 

My ghost slammed her eyes closed and screamed the most gut wrenching scream I've ever heard. I must have closed my eyes and screamed too, because I couldn't hear or see anything. All was black. My voice grew harsh and ragged, not used to such force. As it finally died off in my throat I slowly opened my eyes, my hands sliding from my face. Naraku was gone, I heard him load up and leave. My body sat naked in the bed, the blanket pooled around her ankles. 

I watched my ghost self walk over to the girl that was once me, who sat hugging her naked body. I looked up at the ghost, tears on my face, expression blank. The ghost leaned down, and touched my cheek tenderly with the barest of touches. Suddenly I was no longer three people, but just one.

The feeling of the places his hands had been washed over me. I started crying harder now, desperate to get them away from me. I slapped at invisible hands trying to push the feeling of them away. 

"Scrub them away." A voice echoed in my head. I had to get him off me; I had to erase him from my skin. I had to shower; I had to wash it away.

"It won't work." Said a voice in my head. It was right, I'd tried that before when I was ten. I knew that didn't work. It never worked. I sat alone, naked in my bed. I wrapped my arms around me to cover me, to hide the bruises, to keep myself from scrapping my skin off of myself right then in there. 

And I cried. I cried in frustration and hurt until the sound of my alarm clock penetrated my haze, waking me.

((((((((((((((Wake up!))))))))))))))))))

I bolted awake in my bed, my heart racing. Tears were drying on my face and my hands shook as they wiped them away. I flipped the covers off of me rushing to the bathroom and throwing up. I washed my face and forced myself to look and make sure no bruises, nothing had been real. But the feeling was still there, it still lingered on my skin like a bad perfume. I gritted my teeth and went about my daily routine. "Don't think about it, it was just a dream." I chanted this over and over till I had numbed myself, till I had fallen into my cover up routine I always used. I still had to get out. 

I changed clothes, made a few calls, and I found myself having a late night dinner with Sango, Sesshoumaru and a few other friends. We joked about this or that, but I wasn't really there, my food remained mostly untouched, my stomach still upset from earlier. I know I wasn't the best conversationalist, I found myself being short and snappy with my friends.

Sesshoumaru noticed. As the party died down I found myself left with just Sesshoumaru and my own thoughts. I didn't even notice my guard had fallen, slipped away in the darkness and comfort of being with him. We sat on the big wooden swing outside my house, rocking in the cool evening breeze.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his restraint finally falling.

"Nothing's wrong." I replied automatically, my face already conjuring the expression of surprise.

"Something's bothering you, I can tell." He said, looking at me, seeing straight past my faking. It wasn't worth lying about, he'd know anyways.

"It's nothing, just a bad dream." I replied, my eyes dropping to my lap, watching my fingers play with my clothing.

"Tell me?" He asked, his hand gently resting on my shoulder. I inwardly cussed. I didn't want to tell him. Sure I longed to be comforted and held, but if I told this would be bad. I would have to think about it again. I would have to tell him about something that would just upset him, or make him angry. I would make him unhappy and that's not what I wanted at all. I just wanted to be with someone, scared to go back to my bed alone, scared to dream again.

"Don't worry about it, there's nothing you can do about it anyways." I said my voice trying to cast aside the panic that threatened to spill out if he asked again. I knew it sounded off handed, maybe even harsh to someone trying to help, but this was so fresh. Besides, I've always handled my own problem, why bother someone else with them?

"Tell me anyways…please." My jaw clenched. Damn it, he said please. That goddamn half heartbroken please. I decided to risk a little bit.

"I don't want to tell you. It'll just make you angry and upset." I said my eyes focused on a bug crawling across my shoe. There I'd told him how I really felt about it. The panic ached against my chest trying to restrain itself. Why panic? Why not? I was risking my heart, my emotions, my sanity now. 

"Kagome, I'd still like to know anyways. Please?" I blinked back the mist that was forming in my eyes. I was slowly reverting, my mind already knowing it was going to go back. My voice grew soft, childlike, scared. 

"It was just a dream, a stupid dream." I whispered harshly. My throat threatened to close up on me. 

"So?" He said, his arm on mine. I don't know when it got there.

"Okay…" I whispered, my panic gave way, turning into something new. It flooded down ever vein in my body, chilling, numbing me. I let myself go, riding the way of numbness in me. It the only way I knew how to deal to distance myself from it, to numb myself from it. I remember him asking me to tell only if it wouldn't bother me more, but it was too late. I was already gone.

In the darkness with every boogeyman and monster feeding from my fear I told him my dream. I know he listened, I know he had his own emotions he was riding, but I felt none of them. I was in the ice box of my own skin. I don't know when I noticed his arms around me, holding me in a tight hug, I don't know when I realized I hadn't been blinking for a very long time, I don't know when I realized I was gone. 

I was 10 again. I was dead again. The numbness has that side effect. It kills you. It's only if you can "thaw out" do you come back. As I ended my story, telling him about the physical illness I had when I awoke did I come back. I blinked several time, my body slowly turning on all the 'on' switches I had turned off to protect myself. I felt the warmth of arms around me; I felt the trembling of Sesshoumaru as he tried to control himself for my sake. I slowly raised my hand and placed it on his cheek, relishing in the ability to be able to feel again.

"Sesshoumaru? Are you okay?" I asked, trying to look into his eyes. 

"I'm going to kill him." He whispered. A chill went down my spine. I slide my hand under his chin and forced him to look up at me. I was searching, searching for something besides the anger and hate that threatened to burn anything in his path. I couldn't see it. My own heart filled with sadness and stupidity at myself.

"See, this is why I didn't want to tell you." I said, my fingers still on his face.

"No, I'm glad you did." He responded, hugging me tighter to him. I briefly marveled in the fact that I was letting him even hold me right now. Before I would have drawn into myself, repairing the damage, refusing to be touched by anyone. I kissed his cheek lightly.

"I'm not. I knew it would upset you, make you angry. I never want that." I whispered, my voiced begin to choke up again. Internally I fought a battle. 

I'd made my baby sad, upset. I was a bad girlfriend, why couldn't I just be happy all the time? Internally I shook my head. That was stupid. I had warned him, told him what he was getting himself into, he knew. Internally I screamed in frustration. Sesshoumaru seemed to come out of his rage, seeing me struggle with myself. 

"Baby, I'm glad you told me, don't feel bad about it." I stared at him puzzled.

"Why?" I honestly couldn't grasp it, I couldn't understand what he was saying. Hell I couldn't understand why he was still sitting here holding me against him.

"Because it's a part of you and it bothers you." He said, kissing my head lightly.

"It's just a stupid dream. I don't know why it bothers me so, it was just a dream." I whispered, my head resting against his chest, my body cringing at how childlike I sounded right now. It reminded me over and over my emotions had yet to catch up to my intellect.

"It doesn't matter." He whispered back, his chest vibrating at the sound of his voice. I drew comfort from how very alive he felt beneath my, how very alive he made me feel. 

"Thank you baby. Thank you for listening." I said.

"It's what I'm here for." He smiled at me, his fingers running through my hair, gently. "I still want to kill him though." He said under his breath. Internally I winced. I appreciate that he cares so much for me that he wanted to protect me this much, but still. To make him feel such hatred, such anger and despise towards one person seemed wrong to me. And it was because of me. If I had never had told him about Naraku or the dream he'd have no reason to hate someone so much. I sighed and let it go. I couldn't control how he felt about it and I certain had no other way around telling him these things. We would just have to deal with it. 

"I know baby. I know." I said my mind not really there, but thinking. How did I feel about Naraku now anyways? I didn't really feel anything towards him, to worn out to really have an opinion. Did I hate him, no. Did I wish him immediate death, no. Did I wish to be in the same store as him, no. I guess I felt like I 

had for the last few years towards him. He stay son his part of town and I'll stay on mine. The unwritten agreement.

Sure it was occasionally unavoidable to see each other. We end up in the same store; a detour has me drive by his house, whatever. Usually I just stuff whatever emotion he brings up in me and gracefully make a quick getaway, I'd deal with emotions later. There was only one problem to my thinking; sometimes there is no later. 

I closed my eyes and focused on the beating of Sesshoumaru's heart. So what? I'd deal with that when it needed to be. For now I had Sesshoumaru. This warm, breathing, man who brought me out of my numbness, how grounded me when I felt all over the place. Who didn't care that my emotions jumped from one high to another, who loved me anyways. I let that words roll around in my head. Love.

The word had never held meaning for me. It was a word used to say goodbye, or goodnight. It was a word Naraku had used over and over falsely, making it lose any real meaning. But now….Now the word was reforming itself, something I never thought possible. Suddenly an idea sparked inside me. I knew I loved Sesshoumaru, I knew I loved this man who rocked me now, holding me in the safety of his arms. But how can I express this? I mulled over it and then finally had an idea. 

Yawning at the exhaustion from my emotional expulsion I half opened my eyes and looked up at him. I gently place my hand on his cheek and kissed him lightly. 

"Tonight I just want to fall asleep in your arms." 

"Okay. Go ahead baby. I'll be here." He smiled at me, kissing me back.

"Mmk….Goodnight mi Amor." I mumbled out, my eyes slipping back closed, my head falling back against his warmth. I have no idea what he thought about the Spanish words of love, nor did I care. I had decided on a word, a word that could hold the true meaning of the love I felt inside me. And with that decision made I feel asleep. I slept to the beating of his heart and the warmth of his arms. An invisible shield to keep the bad guys away.

Chapter 14! No way:O Fo realz. :)

Aslan


	15. Chapter 15

Summary: This is a true story about real struggles, sacrifices, and love. When Kagome faces the worst, who will help her? Why the Mighty Sesshoumaru of course!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. I do however own this stories plot.

Title: Sexual Healing

Part Fifteen

Notes: Epilogue…

I warned you my story wasn't easy. The war from my middle school days is still going on, my friends have come and gone off to fight for a change in the world. I've walked through the darkness that is depression and come out on the other side. A small cloud occasionally reappears over me, but the sunlight of my love for Sesshoumaru helps it diminish quicker.

I know some of you think this is a really great story, a story I made up to be the 'true' life of a woman named Kagome. You are wrong.

This is story is real. The Kagome in this story is merely a name change, but the story is my own, Aslanoftexas. I'm now 18, though when I started this story I was only 17. Everything I have written here really happened. I really was abused by my cousin and I really did go through all the other issues mentioned here. All the people I discussed in the story really exist, but I shall leave there names as they are for privacy reasons.

I never really thought of my life being unusual or hard, it's all I've known. I finally understood some things were different merely by watching my friend's families. When I was ten I had a psychotic break, and when I was seventeen I had another minor one, the hysteria before getting the counseling I needed.

Naraku still comes around, not so much as he used to, but when he does I still make excuses to avoid him. I started taking Tae Kwon Do to help, but I'm new and still learning. If Naraku ever tried to hurt me again I'm not sure what I would do. I would either freeze and forget all I learned, or actually hurt him. For now he still stays in a house across town and I stay in mine. My parents are finally beginning in a very, very small way to understand what effect he's had on me. Will they ever understand it totally, no, but I can live with that.

My mother and father continue to deal with their own health issues and their acceptance of religion, in our case Baptist. I try to support them they best I can, but I no longer try to help them with it. I was once called selfish by my family for seeming not to care about their issues, I replied, "I may seem selfish, but I have to think and focus on my own feelings now, or I will lose it again." And it's true. I spend a lot of time understand what I feel and why so I can move on and prevent another hysterical time. I'm dealing with all my tomorrows now.

I decided to write this story at first for my own purging of thoughts and feelings I've kept cooped up for so many years. As I began to write it became an idea for a real book, a real story for other victims out there. I read, literally, ever book on abuse, rape, and sex in the library and I did not find one book about a child that was abused by someone younger than them. That was a point that had haunted my guilt for many, many years, thinking I should have known better. I decided to write a Fanfiction to try out my idea for a story and see how it was received. The reviews have been very lovely and supportive and I thank you guys greatly. The last few chapters have been written for my lovely Sesshoumaru, who has been reading this story to help me cope with issues that come up. It has made us closer and I know he is almost as excited about it and I am.

I'm on my second semester of college and doing very well in the field of Psychology. I hope to help people that have been though similar things I've been through. Not everyone agrees with my field of work, but I believe in it.

There will always be things, triggers, that bother me in just everyday actions about my history, but if nothing else, I'm very good at pushing things aside. I did go through a year of counseling and group theory. You may wonder what things bother me, so I'll tell you.

I absolutely love little children, but babies scare the crap out of me. The thought of pregnancy and the fragile small child that appears later is not something I look forward to. That falls back onto the year after my abuse where I freaked out, thinking I was pregnant. My opinion may change when I'm with someone that can support me emotionally, but for now my options are leaning towards adoption or fostering.

I tend to avoid subjects on virginity, sex, or programs like "True Love Waits." When I can discuss the act of sex scientifically I'm fine, but if emotions get brought into it I tend to clam up. If asked why the reason is simple. I held a lot of resentment towards Naraku for taking something like that from me and never being able to participate in things like that. Now I know I can't, I will have to have sex before marriage now to see if I can handle it.

I hate doctors/gynecologist visits. For a girl when they have to check down there, they typically have to shove their finger up you and press down on your abdomen. If this isn't your lover then this typically is embarrassing and uncomfortable anyways. Now add the fact someone you didn't want touching you down there before, now you have to go through this again for health reasons. It twice as uncomfortable and embarrassing and now you feel the same feelings of shame and guilt you used to have all over again. In the doctor's defense, the one's I told really did try to work with me to make it as uncomfortable as possible.

I tend to not be a very big fan of PDA, public display of affection. Sometimes I can be, but I've lived so long in the cocoon of my own skin, it is very weird to share that with someone. I've learned to deal with hugs, but holding hands, kissing, a hand on my cheek makes my heart pound so hard it feels like it may pound out of my chest. Sometimes I need that extra push that almost forced contact to help me get over it. I got over hugs because Miroku continually hugged me and I couldn't say not to or I they would ask why. Now I can hug people just fine. If someone wants to hold my hand, to kiss me, whatever they will have to make the first move, because I haven't the courage to do it myself.

Before Sesshoumaru there was a lot of things I did I am not proud of, but I don't excuse either. I've cybered before, but I have yet to be able to have sex since Naraku. I'll save you the details of my cyber adventures, but you name it I've done it, from one form of abuse to another. I went through a stage were sex wasn't love, but affection, someone saying I like you enough to do you. Sesshoumaru is showing me how to add love into the equation.Every day with Sesshoumaru makes my love grow more and more. If I don't see or talk with him at some point in the day I can't sleep, my life feeling incomplete without him. We have been dating for almost three months and I still am learning things about him.

As for my friend and people mentioned in this story they've all moved on, living their lives.

Inuyasha, my first crush, went on to private university and is apparently doing well, though I heard his high school career had been pretty rocky. Manten, the scary boy from my elementary years, moved and I never heard of him again. Sango, my best friend, is in a serious long distance relationship and is struggling to work and go to school, while dealing with her parents. Ayame, ex-best friend, is talking to me again, still in the relationship I last saw her in. We are slowly feeling each other out, trying to decide if we want to try to be friends again of not. Kikyou, popular girl from middle school, went onto to do well in high school, still beating off the boys with a stick, but more confident about it now. I never saw Hiten, stalker from middle school, again. Kouga, my first online relationship, ended and disappeared as well. I still hang out with my "senior" friends and all seem to be doing alright. Kohacku, the ex-druggie I liked, still works at the bowling alley and is doing pretty good. He's been clean for a year now and is slowly working with way through college. Miroku, my first love, got engaged to the girlfriend he continually breaks up with. I hang out with him once in a while, but he isn't my Sesshoumaru. Aunt Kaede is trying to work through another relationship, but for now bounces back and forth between my house and her mothers. She's still searching for what makes her happy, but thanks to me is looking into getting some counseling herself. My uncle she divorced I heard has moved, but I haven't had any contact with him. My preacher is still preaching and my counselor, Kirara, has started her own practice now. My high school friend that died was named, Destini Barron and she is still in the hearts and memories of all the Class of '07. Rin, my roommate, is doing well, enjoying her freedom of the college life and continuing her work at the Tae Kwon Do dojo as assistant instructor. I still see the people in my group around campus, but we don't talk, merely smile and wave and move on.

For those that saw the _italics_ in Chapter 13, those statements really did come from my Sesshoumaru. I knew he was reading my story and I asked him to write down how he felt during that time. We talk freely about our feelings and thoughts and it makes us closer. Every day he surprises me, like there was one time when after a game of tag I surrendered, begging him to stop tickling me. He asked me to acknowledge he was master here and I did. Before once that distinction was made I fell into the lesson I had been taught by other men, I was servant and he was master. I did what he asked, pleasing only him. Sesshoumaru merely said "good," and leaned down and kissed me. Small actions like this make Sesshoumaru stand out from all the rest. Always treating me like an equal and never treating me lower than himself. I'm having to learn to deal with new emotions like jealousy and the uncontrolable urge to smile at the thought of his name, but I hope it can go on forever.

And that's why I've decided to end the story here. The story had no ending; it is still going on to this day. Right now is as close to a happy ending as I have been able to get and I can't go on forever. I hope is some way this story has helped someone out there, I know it has helped me. I really am going into the Psychology field so any thoughts, suggestions, comment, whatever would really be appreciated.

Otherwise, goodbye and goodnight my silent readers, thank you for reading to the end.

End.

Aslan :)


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